Sadness

I am awake and its like 2am, not suprising considering my schedule and responsabilities I have going on. Not mad, just sad.........I have been doing ALOT latley almost to the point that A: I have only been working out every other day, B: I rarley get an hour with my family at night and the hour I get in the morning is rushing around getting them ready, C: I seem to have the mother theresa syndrome right now (LOL) not suprising cuz most of my friends come to me for advice or to vent because they feel I am "strong" anyways, but tiring when your the listener and don't get alot of time to vent. Just life I am sure. I am happy in my marraige, actually since my MIL reminded me of her parents anniversary I have been looking at my marraige and respecting it in a more special way. So if all this is going on then why do I feel sad. I have been working really hard to get back into a little bit of shape latley. Happy with my self also to be a role model for the kids...(backfiring)....not suprised. :) Knowing deep in my heart my husband has always been attracked to "thick" women, I still decided I wanted to be healthier for myself and have done just that. Not major I didn't think but I laid down with my hubby tonight to relax finally at like 1130pm and gently said your not happy with me right now being "thinner" are you? The answer was close to what my heart has been feeling but to my suprise he was pretty honest and just said NO hunny, I don't like how your body looks. No, "I mean, your beautiful, just thinner than my liking." or nothing. Just NO!!!! also with a "especially your butt and hips." Lots of tears will not stop running down my cheeks while he is sound asleep next to me. Just sad. I don't believe he would leave me, but to have the one person whom you have always wanted to please, outside myself, be unhappy with the way I look isn't making sense, and to have worked so hard and be so "pleased" with my self for once. I am confused, do I gain it back so I don't loose him or feel like he is looking at me like I am gross, especially when his actions are close to the same as his feelings. He continues to say if he had the money he would fix it for me, but I know he means well for my inner feelings too, but it just hurts I suppose to feel like an eyesore to the love of my life. Something to add to the plate of issues I have right now. Bills are never going to get paid, as hard as I am working nothing is getting done around the house that needs it, my kids miss me, i miss my hubby and the kids, but am continuing to stay strong and making sure I count my blessings carefully each day. Sadness is hard for me to handle because I have so much more important things to deal with right now. I almost feel selfish to even be thinking about it when the kids need all my thoughts to get through each day.....guess thats why I can't sleep tonight, gonna be a LONG day tomorrow as I am going to clean two houses then work all evening. Guess this is the thing called "living the family dream." I am going to finish crying just needed a place to vent, not sure what to do or think right now. Praying tonight for peace in my heart. God will watch over my marriage and do with it whatever should be done, but giving this one to god is going to be something HARD for me to do. I believe in my husband, I love him, I would do anything to make him happy, but I was sure that included me being happy too. Sadness hurts......my heart feels achy. Guess I will try and sleep and hoping this will not effect my mood in 4 hours when I have to get up and send the kids off to school. I can't be mad because he was honest. I have always asked him to please at least give me that in our lives. God I am trying to smile but my sadness is overwhelming tonight. Goodnight.