Sadness

I am awake and its like 2am, not suprising considering my schedule and responsabilities I have going on. Not mad, just sad.........I have been doing ALOT latley almost to the point that A: I have only been working out every other day, B: I rarley get an hour with my family at night and the hour I get in the morning is rushing around getting them ready, C: I seem to have the mother theresa syndrome right now (LOL) not suprising cuz most of my friends come to me for advice or to vent because they feel I am "strong" anyways, but tiring when your the listener and don't get alot of time to vent. Just life I am sure. I am happy in my marraige, actually since my MIL reminded me of her parents anniversary I have been looking at my marraige and respecting it in a more special way. So if all this is going on then why do I feel sad. I have been working really hard to get back into a little bit of shape latley. Happy with my self also to be a role model for the kids...(backfiring)....not suprised. :) Knowing deep in my heart my husband has always been attracked to "thick" women, I still decided I wanted to be healthier for myself and have done just that. Not major I didn't think but I laid down with my hubby tonight to relax finally at like 1130pm and gently said your not happy with me right now being "thinner" are you? The answer was close to what my heart has been feeling but to my suprise he was pretty honest and just said NO hunny, I don't like how your body looks. No, "I mean, your beautiful, just thinner than my liking." or nothing. Just NO!!!! also with a "especially your butt and hips." Lots of tears will not stop running down my cheeks while he is sound asleep next to me. Just sad. I don't believe he would leave me, but to have the one person whom you have always wanted to please, outside myself, be unhappy with the way I look isn't making sense, and to have worked so hard and be so "pleased" with my self for once. I am confused, do I gain it back so I don't loose him or feel like he is looking at me like I am gross, especially when his actions are close to the same as his feelings. He continues to say if he had the money he would fix it for me, but I know he means well for my inner feelings too, but it just hurts I suppose to feel like an eyesore to the love of my life. Something to add to the plate of issues I have right now. Bills are never going to get paid, as hard as I am working nothing is getting done around the house that needs it, my kids miss me, i miss my hubby and the kids, but am continuing to stay strong and making sure I count my blessings carefully each day. Sadness is hard for me to handle because I have so much more important things to deal with right now. I almost feel selfish to even be thinking about it when the kids need all my thoughts to get through each day.....guess thats why I can't sleep tonight, gonna be a LONG day tomorrow as I am going to clean two houses then work all evening. Guess this is the thing called "living the family dream." I am going to finish crying just needed a place to vent, not sure what to do or think right now. Praying tonight for peace in my heart. God will watch over my marriage and do with it whatever should be done, but giving this one to god is going to be something HARD for me to do. I believe in my husband, I love him, I would do anything to make him happy, but I was sure that included me being happy too. Sadness hurts......my heart feels achy. Guess I will try and sleep and hoping this will not effect my mood in 4 hours when I have to get up and send the kids off to school. I can't be mad because he was honest. I have always asked him to please at least give me that in our lives. God I am trying to smile but my sadness is overwhelming tonight. Goodnight.

Life goes on....

Wow, somethings are just never left alone. I am hurting, but its normally probably a selfish feeling, probably is now too, but i haven't cried because of unhappiness in a long time. Today must have been the deal breaker. Lots of stuff going on and lots of harsh words flying around. This is not the way god wants us to act, as I am deep into reading the bible and have been for a few weeks now. Not in any special order just under each circumstance as my day moves foward. But in it it speaks alot of honesty and consideration. Not just to your family but to those around you. I have been achieving my goals, definatly slacking on the kids one for sure......damn i love them more than anything in this world, but why is it so hard to figure each one of them out and what then need and want, not to mention whats going on or what i am putting them through while learning also. but in the end just as I made my own choices no matter what my mom and dad told or did to me, they will make theirs. I can only guide them and lead by example. I feel i am the best mom that i can be with what i have, as well as is every other mother out there trying to meet their childrens needs, of course fathers too. I thank god everyday I have a wonderful husband who cares not just about his children but mine too. Speaking of his children. God please put a special ring around our GB for she is going through a "special" situation that needs your guidance. She is a precious little girl and I am happy for her to be content and happy in life. It is super hard on my hubby, but only in certain ways. He knows what he did was wrong but he also knows he did what he thought was right at the time. And she loves her mom and dad (my hubbys' parents.) cant take love away from a child unless they are in harms way. I have been practicing the sermon i listened to in NY, that of which god has a plan and we can't control his plan, we must be happy for what it is no matter what. And of course I am still practicing how to approach and talk to people without making situations into giant mountains. That one is super hard for me, but all i can do is strive to achieve the goals i have made for myself and my family. Being a nice person isn't always going to help me gain alot in life, but it does show god I respect what he has given me and I will make sure i appreciate him. Finding a church or a womens bible study is next on my list, but next isn't right around the corner with the list i have on the table. I wish our grandmothers were still here to help us through these times. Although i do consider the fact that i have some superior angels guiding and watching over me. Funny I am sitting here wondering why or who or even what to do and I just keep going back to trust god. Never in a million years did i think i would be to that point in my life. My sons birth mother called yesterday to tell him the news of her having a baby girl, he wasn't so happy about that considering he already has 3 sisters. She also stated that she was really wanting my husband to consider being a part in this childs life. I got kinda jealous for a moment, considering he has baby fever right now, but i know in my heart that we have alot to work for now, if another child would ever be in our future again it would be gods will. I think i really would like him to just be honest with her and tell her he doesn't really care, but i am not sure what it would accomplish anyways. People will make things in their heads whatever they want to make them. No control angie, no control.....gods will, gods will. I had a great day with my kids yesterday and they enjoyed most of their time with me. I spanked them both, totally not in my plan but honestly when it was all said and done they got the point, of course after a few bad names and a few u don't love me things..........i remember when my mother spanked me, it wasn't great then but the few times it happened i will remember and cherish forever. It made me see she meant business, and a spanking now and then doesn't mean beating them, just swattin them on there hinny. Kinda funny now that i look back at it, all of a sudden i seen a change in their attitudes. Wont be doing it on a daily but they are starting to realize who is in charge. And for now its NOT them. I have to keep on focusing on making them understand that i am doing all this out of love....tough love, and its probably one of the hardest things i have ever done in my life. Who would have thought raising children could be such a challenge.....lol. i love you all, family, friends, and even those enemies out there i have, i love them just as much for making me a stronger person in the end. Life will go on....