Feelings

Im writing here again because I am super lost in this world, not knowing what you should be here for sometimes screws me up.  Its Saturday and I have RSVP'd my family to the "FAMILY SUB PICNIC".  I just woke up to start getting ready and K(older) says she is going with her gma and her cousins for the day, this leaving X and lil K out, which is nothing new but hurts my feelings.  My family is sincerly screwed up anyways, add my outside family into it and its a disaster waiting to happen.  My hubby is getting ready to go frisbee golfing with friends and taking X (who has been grounded two weekends in a row) with him.  Makes no sense.  Not to mention, my hubby is the one who wanted to be apart of this "sub" stuff which is why he took my dog to the pound :( this in which he completly lied about).  Add in the fact that they all left with me just laying in my wrap no help and noone to ask how are you feeling?  I guess I get ready and go to the thing by myself........this is "weird" to me, it always seems when the going gets tough my hubby skips out.  He was an amazing caretaker when I was not able to even care for myself but not without cussing and throwing stuff at me, along with the name calling.  But all the decietful lies about the money and the fact that he was making the deposits for me hurts too because it shows I can't control the situation.  I'm just scared, first with the in-laws helping with the banking this shows them we can't be responsable, but when I am doing the banking things are better.  They still believe I am trying to live outside of my means.  I'm not going to say I have never because I am a grown women who has taken care of my own way before my husband came into the picture and was able to do it, maybe not perfect.  Government assistance was used but when you take care of children whos' fathers' don't want to be in their lives you do what you have to to survive.  Lost because I don't know where to start.......the feelings I have for my children are deeper than my emotions for my self, and i am always trying to make my hubby happy which is impossable for the most part.  Making myself happy would be fine but I am a caretaker, i just want everyone else to stay happy, now I guess they are all happy and its pretty much leaving me to do all the shit work, this hurts my feelings :( what is family time, why do we, well I, try to hard to have it.  Is this love, cuz if it is my feelings are hurt :( but i know i am suppose to count my blessings, so right now I am blessed to have the family i do and that they are all healthy.  thank god.

its been awhile

My life has been through alot of ups and downs latley.  I am hoping god is looking at my morals and values and knowing i am in love with my life and my family.  I just had an abdominal surgery 5 weeks ago and have been healing from that.  Through this surgery I wasn't aware god would show me yet more things to think about.  My son is in a bad way needing individualized attention and since my surgery has been totally off his schedule.  I am feeling sad that I have to go back to work and don't have a "vacation" to get the group back together.  With that being said, I am blessed to have had the surgery I had, I am sad my arms are still in pain and that surgery was denied (so far).  I am sad my middle daughter is still having weight issues and does not "care or realize" its hurting her.  I am fortunate that no matter how spoiled my teenager is she is still making it through life with little help from her mother and NO interaction from her father.  I was not thinking when I blended this family.  But I love this family and with all my might I will fight to keep us together.  I am very fortunate that my inlaws are taking care of our financial issues so that we are not living in a box since both my husband and I have $$$ issues all the way around.  I wanna start back on my walking but I am so sore, I didn't realize I would be set this far back from this surgery but it was much needed for my health.  I am sitting down thinking and looking at all the piles that stacked up of paperwork I have to do, so I should start there........................need a hug.