Feelings

Im writing here again because I am super lost in this world, not knowing what you should be here for sometimes screws me up.  Its Saturday and I have RSVP'd my family to the "FAMILY SUB PICNIC".  I just woke up to start getting ready and K(older) says she is going with her gma and her cousins for the day, this leaving X and lil K out, which is nothing new but hurts my feelings.  My family is sincerly screwed up anyways, add my outside family into it and its a disaster waiting to happen.  My hubby is getting ready to go frisbee golfing with friends and taking X (who has been grounded two weekends in a row) with him.  Makes no sense.  Not to mention, my hubby is the one who wanted to be apart of this "sub" stuff which is why he took my dog to the pound :( this in which he completly lied about).  Add in the fact that they all left with me just laying in my wrap no help and noone to ask how are you feeling?  I guess I get ready and go to the thing by myself........this is "weird" to me, it always seems when the going gets tough my hubby skips out.  He was an amazing caretaker when I was not able to even care for myself but not without cussing and throwing stuff at me, along with the name calling.  But all the decietful lies about the money and the fact that he was making the deposits for me hurts too because it shows I can't control the situation.  I'm just scared, first with the in-laws helping with the banking this shows them we can't be responsable, but when I am doing the banking things are better.  They still believe I am trying to live outside of my means.  I'm not going to say I have never because I am a grown women who has taken care of my own way before my husband came into the picture and was able to do it, maybe not perfect.  Government assistance was used but when you take care of children whos' fathers' don't want to be in their lives you do what you have to to survive.  Lost because I don't know where to start.......the feelings I have for my children are deeper than my emotions for my self, and i am always trying to make my hubby happy which is impossable for the most part.  Making myself happy would be fine but I am a caretaker, i just want everyone else to stay happy, now I guess they are all happy and its pretty much leaving me to do all the shit work, this hurts my feelings :( what is family time, why do we, well I, try to hard to have it.  Is this love, cuz if it is my feelings are hurt :( but i know i am suppose to count my blessings, so right now I am blessed to have the family i do and that they are all healthy.  thank god.