OMG

OMG OMG OMG, i don't find myself saying Gods' name in vain often but today is a different day.  I am passed the unconditional stage now.  I know I love my family and all it gives me unconditionally.  I get up when I am in pain, I love when I have no more love to give, I hope when I find no more hope, and I cry when I cant find anymore tears.  I am still here though.  God has a great way of showing me things will be ok.  Might not be the way I want them to be but they will be what I need.  I assumed this position almost 6 years ago now.  I came in with my eyes closed so tight I probably couldn't squint, but now I am all EYES open.  I have been living a small lie for awhile and trying to live my dreams forever, notice I say MY when what I really need to be doing is living through god and how he wants us to live.  I had a grasp on that for awhile but could have slipped through some more small cracks in life.  I also didn't realize I was living with a lie.  My husband, the man of my dreams, the love of my life, my lover, and my friend is in fact BIPOLAR.  I think a better word for it should be misunderstood.  There are alot of things in life that have to go through this thick skull of mine but this not being the most important for such a long time because of ME.  Well shame on me, cuz now I have a mess.  I am vunerable and my husband knows this very well.  However I wasn't aware that you can use this stuff against people.  Better put, I wasn't aware that people so close to my heart could step on it.  I wasn't aware of the tactics that they use, I wasn't going to believe that I couldn't fix it without that unconditional LOVE.  Wow has god opened my eyes to a NO CONTROL situation.  I can't fix this, I have no control over it, I have to do whats right by my husband and believe that this is gods will and he will see me through my husbands sickness.  I love my children enough to see them through this so why can't I see myself through this.  I am now going to beg my MIL to let me listen or read some of those stories, I am going to beg my FIL to tell me again how many sons he has, and I am going to listen to my damn head and not my heart for one sec and take care of this huge rock in my way.  My family is hard to explain or explain anything to so I will have to work on them later.  While at the ER last night the doc pulled me aside to ask me "if" i have been paying attention to my husbands injuries.  He probably thought I was ignorant but I started laughing because as long as I have been with my hubby he is injuring himself.  Then he said there was a pattern. ?????? Now the look in my eyes was enough for the doc to ask me to sit down for a sec.  Probably thought I was going to pass out.  Just a little for me to take in when a doctor pulls u aside.  Still pondering and going over the paperwork but ............. he was right and the steps that we talked about after that were even better.  There is a god and I today am thankful that my hubby isn't smart enough to put the dates on things or pay attention to paperwork or money.  Never thought I would say this because of the situation with our lives normally but who said anything about normal when i said I DO.  GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE AND THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN.  :)

Unconditional Love

Today I am thinking about unconditional love........... is God the only one that can do this???  I am trying to keep the peace in a house full of different minds.  It is amazing to actually watch these children and my husband interact, but I am so depressed about the lying.  Years of lying to myself and my children has me hating the fact that my husband can do it so well.  I know and have been reading ALOT on bi-polar and want to stabalize him.  Called the doctor this week for the shot that MIL told me about and OUR doc, in Traverse City is not even familiar with the proper dosage and if our insurance will pay for it.  I dropped off a copy of some google work I did on the shot after MIL told me to, its something that would work for my husband but will it take away the LIES???  Doubtfully I sit in our bed, hearing little and BIG footsteps upstairs.  I love them all unconditionally.  I decided to make this short and sweet.  I love unconditionally, like God, like I was taught.  maybe its the generation gaps, maybe its the bi-polar, maybe its just the fact that they are looking to love unconditionally and were never taught.  Sad thing about it is he believes his own lies and gets caught up in them.  Yesterday X had a fieldtrip and he came home with the story of a BAD day, I talked to his teacher last night and he had a fine day.  After he was in bed and still crying I asked him why he lied, and if he had a good day that he should always share both..........he said DAD does it and it gets you to talk to him, so I wanted U to talk to me.................UGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I want to scream, cry, hold him tight, never let them go.  My girls are good at lying too, I will not disclude them BUT at least when they lie its to get them out of trouble.  Whats with the lying to get attention and negative attention at that?  Today I will teach X that he can ASK for my attention and I will GIVE it to him.  One step at a time. One day at a time.  I am all alone and this is scary for me, but its something I can handle.  I married this man and I love him UNCONDITONALLY!!!!  I love them ALL, the whole family, mine and his, our children, our life, our jobs...........GOD!!!!