OMG

OMG OMG OMG, i don't find myself saying Gods' name in vain often but today is a different day.  I am passed the unconditional stage now.  I know I love my family and all it gives me unconditionally.  I get up when I am in pain, I love when I have no more love to give, I hope when I find no more hope, and I cry when I cant find anymore tears.  I am still here though.  God has a great way of showing me things will be ok.  Might not be the way I want them to be but they will be what I need.  I assumed this position almost 6 years ago now.  I came in with my eyes closed so tight I probably couldn't squint, but now I am all EYES open.  I have been living a small lie for awhile and trying to live my dreams forever, notice I say MY when what I really need to be doing is living through god and how he wants us to live.  I had a grasp on that for awhile but could have slipped through some more small cracks in life.  I also didn't realize I was living with a lie.  My husband, the man of my dreams, the love of my life, my lover, and my friend is in fact BIPOLAR.  I think a better word for it should be misunderstood.  There are alot of things in life that have to go through this thick skull of mine but this not being the most important for such a long time because of ME.  Well shame on me, cuz now I have a mess.  I am vunerable and my husband knows this very well.  However I wasn't aware that you can use this stuff against people.  Better put, I wasn't aware that people so close to my heart could step on it.  I wasn't aware of the tactics that they use, I wasn't going to believe that I couldn't fix it without that unconditional LOVE.  Wow has god opened my eyes to a NO CONTROL situation.  I can't fix this, I have no control over it, I have to do whats right by my husband and believe that this is gods will and he will see me through my husbands sickness.  I love my children enough to see them through this so why can't I see myself through this.  I am now going to beg my MIL to let me listen or read some of those stories, I am going to beg my FIL to tell me again how many sons he has, and I am going to listen to my damn head and not my heart for one sec and take care of this huge rock in my way.  My family is hard to explain or explain anything to so I will have to work on them later.  While at the ER last night the doc pulled me aside to ask me "if" i have been paying attention to my husbands injuries.  He probably thought I was ignorant but I started laughing because as long as I have been with my hubby he is injuring himself.  Then he said there was a pattern. ?????? Now the look in my eyes was enough for the doc to ask me to sit down for a sec.  Probably thought I was going to pass out.  Just a little for me to take in when a doctor pulls u aside.  Still pondering and going over the paperwork but ............. he was right and the steps that we talked about after that were even better.  There is a god and I today am thankful that my hubby isn't smart enough to put the dates on things or pay attention to paperwork or money.  Never thought I would say this because of the situation with our lives normally but who said anything about normal when i said I DO.  GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE AND THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN.  :)