just when u think.......

I am not even sure where to start this one off at.....my life is full of some serious stuff in a not so serious way right now. I am sick, god help me and the family for when this happens life goes crazy, noone in the house can figure out what or how to do things. This is when i usually try to let the girls go somewhere because my hubby gets all frustrated with to many tasks, then i in turn get frustrated with him because this is stuff i do every day without batting an eye, and i always wonder why he can't seem to grasp it all and do what i do. No questions or answers for that one other than he is MALE. (giggle). Its just a tooth issue so i hope it won't last to long as i only have a few down days that i can even take. Getting better as I had to have them pulled and now they say dentures at 36...wow....what a mess, and another cost we have NO money for. My hubby got laid off so I am picking up some hours at a store and working my houses too, no telling what this school year will bring with my hubby doing some of the school stuff. Pray for us please. Missing my family in NY and trying to cope with what little family I have here. Finding out that my heart is on my sleeve and I have NO backbone to support it. Damn this is a hard lesson to learn. I think I have attempted to learn it for awhile now, and god will continue to test me while I fail misserably. Praying for that one too :) No luck on a church yet but haven't really had time for that. Finding out that real friends are hard to come by and trying to understand why my blood family is so out of control. I have been counting my blessings and always will, noone is dying and life is just at a hectic point. I am usually good at managing money and getting the kids what they need but how do you do it with no money. By the grace of god I think. Loosing my faith in myself because all my actions are turning into disasters. Haven't stayed in complete contact with my mother in law as she is super stressed and busy herself. Oh how i remember the days i talked to her for hours and felt soooooo relieved. I am hoping my girls don't end up making all these silly mistakes I have made by opening my heart to everyone, but unfortunatly I am sure they are both on the same path. Never would have thought kindness would be a path of destruction. I am pretty sure its time to clean out my closet but not sure where or how to start, i don't have any idea how to be mean. O.k. so I have a idea but can't stick to it. Life is just that at the moment.......LIFE. thankful i got a day away and enjoyed some great memories with my little bro as it was probably a once in a lifetime oppurtunity cuz he isn't always "here" either. I am good with all the faith god has put in me to keep this family I have a float but I wish he would put some faith in others to be kind and considerate for what I have been doing. praying today. p.s. my son is home now so that eases alot of thoughts, and both kids have done two progressive councelor appts. I love the new person they are seeing as she is opening my eyes to new ideas as to why these things are going on in their lives.

God........

Someone told me today that i need to look to god for some answers. I thought i had been but apparently I am not getting the answers that are coming to me. I love my hubby, children, and family more than life itself. God is who i answer to for the most part, maybe owe him a little more appreciation........going to find a church to attend wether the family comes or not. I am so lost with this god thing, can't grasp whats reality and what i should give to god. Miss my son to death and am so worried about him. My girls are going through a major tribulation at this moment and i feel they will make it. I just have a heart and no back bone. I know this and pretty sure its what gets in my way of a lot of happiness in my life. As far as I am concerned I am more than blessed to have what i have, i will never take it for granted. I am learning to love my lil girl in a differant way, which seems to be getting me somewhere with her. NO more focusing on her weight, not gonna do it. I was 30 years old or so when i started this weight loss journey and wouldn't trade it for the world, prior to that i just wasn't ready I guess. Actually now that i look back on it, kinda glad i was a big girl, if i had all the attention i get now i would have probably not known how to handle it. Now i am happily married and have a beautiful family to love. Please send her a prayer for this is going to be a long struggle for her and she will have to make sure she deals with it, all this nagging is getting me nowhere so new approach her i come. Gotta get my hubby regulated somehow.....but progress is better than landslides so i really don't have to much to complain about. I have some guest staying with me right now and what doesn't break me can only make me stronger. We as a family have decided to set a date so they all know when they can have their space back. Please pray for those who have no ambition to move foward. God will take care of this right???? Just counting my blessings today and realizing I have a ton!!! thank you god for showing me the right path to take. I love you.

HELP!!!!

Never in my life did I think i was going to be to the point with my children where I would need help, well of course we all need help and there are struggles, but this one is to the extreme. X, we can deal with, we know the cause and effect of what life in saginaw is for him and its just something out of our control, especially in the summer when its two weeks on two weeks off, but he leaves a big boy and comes home crying over everything and absolutly throwing a fit like a two year old. We understand its what goes on down there and that we just have to pattern him back to reality. My teenager, is well just that still, a teen......mouthy sometimes, knows it ALL, and not very helpful but definatly doing more than she thinks is nescassary....typical. The middle child, Khamille is outta control. She is 9 and about 190 pds, i cannot get her to stop eating or thinking about food. Its almost like its a compulsive disease. Granted her father and I are both overweight and have never steered her properly I get that, I have gone to the extreme as to weigh out her food with her, show her whats proper to eat, and taken away almost all sweets in the house. Good for the whole family really, but khamille will continue to think, dream, lie, and abbuse this food issue. I literally have never seen someone eat as much as she does except for when i weighed in at 400pds. I am frustrated. I have no outlets because everyone says work with her, write it down, show her it can be done, give her options, etc etc etc....done it all, to the point where I can now say NO and she will out right say I don't love her and I am starving her to death, slam doors, scream mean things, throw fits...........its not at all healthy for any of us. I know she is lacking love.......crazy to say when i can love til i am blue in the face all of the children and anyone else who needs it. I try to do my best with her but its not going to be what she needs............she needs cuddled, hugged, picked up, all the things anyone elses normal 9 year old would want, but she either goes about it wrong or just plain doesn't get it. My husband was great with her for awhile, especially since he is the one who doesn't like to touch....he would hug her, even patting her on the back, which i thought, well now that i think about it is almost worse, cause it just doesn't seem like real love to her. I am at a complete stand still with her.............. counceling, jogging, sports, friends, clothes, done it all, nothing is good enough. Even mom time didn't work out, we totally butt heads and it just turns into a disapointment for her. Is there something i can do ?????? I love her sooo much!!!! I don't want to see her hurt anymore.