the day after.....

I am thankful today for today, thankful I am done working already, thankful I didn't have the money to even think about battling the friday crowds :) Life is throwing some major curve balls at me but I am handling them as they come and dealing with my feelings after the situation is over. If there is something I have been learning in a blended family its to leave your feelings out of it until the situation is resolved. The friends god has chosen to place in my life at this time make my life seem so simple, thanking god for showing me life isn't as major as I make it out to be. I tend to overannalize situations and it makes them way more messy than need be. Just leaving well enough alone and working on life with my kids and hubby. I love god and his ways, sometimes they just scare me into believing life is suppose to be different. I am happily married to the man of my dreams and have three beautiful children and wonderful family and friends surrounding me. Feeling blessed today. Trying to avoid thinking about the pain and my upcomming surgery and what might happen when i can't work. Praying :)

If u can't say anything nice....don't talk.

Prime example of how i feel right now. I haven't blogged in awhile because really haven't had time to think let alone write it down. Why today??? I decided i shouldn't be talking today because anything that comes out of my mouth isn't going to be nice. I am literally fed up with alot of shit and don't know how to address the amount of issues I have on my plate. I know I am blessed to have what I do have and I thank god for that almost everyday. Its just days like this that I should probably keep my mouth shut!!!! So venting........ I have held this family down to the best of my ability since I entered into it. I have been blessed to have enough business until now to get us through with my husbands income/unemployment, because of the economy my business slowed down so what do I do, go and get a few more side jobs and another part time job. This is fine with me, other than I have NO control over what is going on at home. I usually get 10 or so phone calls a day asking what to do or screaming he/she isn't listening to me, etc etc.... This i figure is normal since the kids are not used to dad being at home instead of mom. I totally had alot of faith in my husband to be able to do this because he is so good with the kids when they need it. Guess my expectations got the best of me AGAIN. He is maintaining which is more than I could ask for at this moment, so this is life. My issues are getting harder to not have control of though. X isn't doing well in school at all, I have no time to address the school and my husband won't even make a call, besides this is his baby so what could he possably be doing that is that bad. HAHA!!!! just for example he told his dad he had a bad day today but "forgot" to tell him he put his hands on another student AGAIN. When i got home he was playing and khamille was begging for someone to play basketball with her and kaylee was in her room. Typical stuff, just to much to handle for one person who is just getting used to all this, I do really understand. What I don't understand is the shit that comes out of his mouth when he is angry and the way he handles all the kids inconsistantly. He is under the assumption that all the kids should have the same punishments. They are all totally differant ages and going thru totally differant stuff, this is one of the places I disagree, but have been dealing because something is better than nothing at all, and i have had that before too.
I have been having some issues with trying to get through to him that the car is not functioning right and I get, then go get it looked at.....lol......somewhere in my free time (haha) I did find time to have them tell me its a more serious problem and I can't afford to fix it right now. This is hard because my husband is court ordered eosunday to make a 300 mile trip to pick up "our" son from his birth vessal. I asked him to call the courts and in his version I got....." they said there is nothing i can do about it, if she misses a visit because of us, he goes to jail." My response was than maybe thats what should happen to get someones attention. He had a good point, that if this happens the birth vessal may retaliate and take X while he is in jail. True, so i just said fine drive the car and if it gets stuck in saginaw then we just deal with it. Life goes on. Funny though, he wouldn't even attempt to talk to her and try to negotiate something, he feels like its useless but always tells me he will, its just to get me to shut my mouth though (his words). O.k. so I gave him that issue and said I am not going to be the middle person anymore. Now on to the next..... (still venting).... while playing basketball with khamille something happened that my husband only seen some of it and we had three differant versions. Suprise!!! So i gently asked why wasn't anything done about the situation. His response .. "this is f-ing ridiculous." I said well if your not happy and this is stupid then you know what you have to do. His response, " then go get the papers." So because he is stressed and I am stressed his easy way out is a divorce???? A little dramatic if you ask me, until he then got back in the middle of the first issue and told khamille to get her fat a-- up and finsih playing. She proceeded to cry and flip out and well....the whole damn family was throwing temper tantrums. wow, not sure how or why, but pretty sure its the stress of him having NO control over his sons issues. I don't really have anyone to talk to about all this so I am venting. I am sick of my life being whatever makes everyone else happy. I disagree with alot but always try to talk it through with him. Wish he would be able to do the same, just going to realize that its not going to work out that way, he is a very unreasonable person to begin with and doesn't take change very well at all. What a mess!!!!! I didn't respond well to any of it nor do i even know how without saying something that may hurt someone.....so gonna keep it inside and pray. My main problem is I am having a hard time believing nothing can be done about alot of these situations when i got alot done last year, just had to do alot of communicating and appointments, both of which again my husband doesn't like to do. Lord please help my children deal with this change, and show my husband that communication (in pleasant words) is the key. My oldest daughter, whom is very spoiled and oppionated, but has been through alot and makes very sensable points and decisions said......"mom, i sometimes wish you were single and rich" then at least the simple things in life you could have and you wouldn't always be worrying about someone else's issues." I told her if i was rich i would probably give to the community and that I am married so single is out of the question. her response, "then i just wish you were happy." I am blessed in many more ways than I allow to see.....sometimes our blessings are in the SMALL STUFF!!!!!!!

Life goes on....

Wow, somethings are just never left alone. I am hurting, but its normally probably a selfish feeling, probably is now too, but i haven't cried because of unhappiness in a long time. Today must have been the deal breaker. Lots of stuff going on and lots of harsh words flying around. This is not the way god wants us to act, as I am deep into reading the bible and have been for a few weeks now. Not in any special order just under each circumstance as my day moves foward. But in it it speaks alot of honesty and consideration. Not just to your family but to those around you. I have been achieving my goals, definatly slacking on the kids one for sure......damn i love them more than anything in this world, but why is it so hard to figure each one of them out and what then need and want, not to mention whats going on or what i am putting them through while learning also. but in the end just as I made my own choices no matter what my mom and dad told or did to me, they will make theirs. I can only guide them and lead by example. I feel i am the best mom that i can be with what i have, as well as is every other mother out there trying to meet their childrens needs, of course fathers too. I thank god everyday I have a wonderful husband who cares not just about his children but mine too. Speaking of his children. God please put a special ring around our GB for she is going through a "special" situation that needs your guidance. She is a precious little girl and I am happy for her to be content and happy in life. It is super hard on my hubby, but only in certain ways. He knows what he did was wrong but he also knows he did what he thought was right at the time. And she loves her mom and dad (my hubbys' parents.) cant take love away from a child unless they are in harms way. I have been practicing the sermon i listened to in NY, that of which god has a plan and we can't control his plan, we must be happy for what it is no matter what. And of course I am still practicing how to approach and talk to people without making situations into giant mountains. That one is super hard for me, but all i can do is strive to achieve the goals i have made for myself and my family. Being a nice person isn't always going to help me gain alot in life, but it does show god I respect what he has given me and I will make sure i appreciate him. Finding a church or a womens bible study is next on my list, but next isn't right around the corner with the list i have on the table. I wish our grandmothers were still here to help us through these times. Although i do consider the fact that i have some superior angels guiding and watching over me. Funny I am sitting here wondering why or who or even what to do and I just keep going back to trust god. Never in a million years did i think i would be to that point in my life. My sons birth mother called yesterday to tell him the news of her having a baby girl, he wasn't so happy about that considering he already has 3 sisters. She also stated that she was really wanting my husband to consider being a part in this childs life. I got kinda jealous for a moment, considering he has baby fever right now, but i know in my heart that we have alot to work for now, if another child would ever be in our future again it would be gods will. I think i really would like him to just be honest with her and tell her he doesn't really care, but i am not sure what it would accomplish anyways. People will make things in their heads whatever they want to make them. No control angie, no control.....gods will, gods will. I had a great day with my kids yesterday and they enjoyed most of their time with me. I spanked them both, totally not in my plan but honestly when it was all said and done they got the point, of course after a few bad names and a few u don't love me things..........i remember when my mother spanked me, it wasn't great then but the few times it happened i will remember and cherish forever. It made me see she meant business, and a spanking now and then doesn't mean beating them, just swattin them on there hinny. Kinda funny now that i look back at it, all of a sudden i seen a change in their attitudes. Wont be doing it on a daily but they are starting to realize who is in charge. And for now its NOT them. I have to keep on focusing on making them understand that i am doing all this out of love....tough love, and its probably one of the hardest things i have ever done in my life. Who would have thought raising children could be such a challenge.....lol. i love you all, family, friends, and even those enemies out there i have, i love them just as much for making me a stronger person in the end. Life will go on....

Life

Well back to the grind. Going to get my baby boy tomorrow, Khamille is needing a break from the house, and kaylee is out doing what she does best....hanging out. My hubby is sleeping in on his day off, thats all usual stuff really. I am just sitting here knowing how blessed I am but wondering what god has in store for me. My hubby is getting baby fever, scary shit....he wants us to adopt a baby that will be part of "us". Pretty sure X is just that, really since we have had him since he was 1.5, but he wants to balance our family.....lol. My first thought, we need a bigger car. O.k. well its already Monday.......shows u how much time and thought I get to blog. We have our son safe back at home. Khamille is still needing something?? (can't quite put my hands on it). Kaylee is still doing what she does best. My hubby is back to work. Miss him alot but he loves his job and works hard at it. On the note of children, I would love to add another to the family but as I was stating before, our car doesn't hold our family of five now without lots of bickering and arguing, financially we are dumping alot of money into this house and its not ours, its just rent, and last but not least TIME!!!! Will I ever find enough time for another? Just questions and thoughts i guess, cuz all this won't happen quickly but just the thought of having another child is well..........."unidentified" at this time.
I am really upset today with life in general. I have made a few decisions in my past that were not to impressive, not even to me as I look back on them. Also they have became patterns of my children now so I am kinda getting it back in my face, I guess thats what you call KARMA. I definatly believe in god, so I know all about what comes around goes around, etc etc..... I got home today to do the first thing I do when I have a spair minute, which is go straight to my bedroom and read my mother in laws blog. One it makes me happy to know whats going on in her day, two it helps me realize that whats on my plate isn't as much as I am making it out to be, three to get input and suggestions on life, as she has many years dealing with all this stuff that I don't. I got to my computer today to find something aweful out. I read in it that her DIL, which is me stated something about something in a conversation that turned their situation into a mess. HAHA, not funny at all, actually just the opposite. I took a deep breath and called my hubby to start yelling at him. When he answered I simply told him I loved him and that I needed to make a phone call, i would call him back. Why yell at him about something that he has no control over. So i picked up the phone and called my mother in law. I explained to her that I had nothing to do with what was said, but that I did say at one point that I was upset at my husband for his decisions with his daughter and her situation. Alot of this went on before I was around so I don't have alot of control over it now, it makes no sense for me to jump into it so late in the game. This being something I just decided over the past month with all the interaction we have had with his family. I then called my husband and explained to him what happened but that my mother in law said she believed me. Which if the situation was played out before the blame was given all would have known that A: I was too busy making sure my sis in law was happy, B: I was sick sick and trying to feel better in between, and C: I was already plenty anxified over who was at the baby shower to even think about Alot of anything. Let alone worry about something that wasn't even on the table for discussion as far as I knew at that point. Anyways, my hubby said, hunny.....don't worry, my sis and I were talking about it when we were smoking and (the lady) was out there and possably heard it. And she would find it easier to blame you so my parents would look down on you and it might make her daughter look better. I accepted all this and am leaving it alone, due to the fact that only GOD can judge me, and I know I wouldn't have discussed this certain situation with this certain person anyways. The reason I am babbeling is because I used to be the one to tell everyone anything all the time. I am now the opposite, other than sometimes true statements come out when they shouldn't but its only because I hate liers. I am no longer the gossiping queen I used to be, and I am completley honest with people even when it makes me look bad, just because in the end I have learned the truth will set you free. Whatever the case was, I am ok now and am praying that all goes well in my mother in laws situation as to hope my hubby or I would not ruffle feathers in such a fragile thing anyways. We honestly love his daughter and would do anything to have her a part of our disfunctional blended family, even if that means just visits when we can get them in, so I would never jepordize anything to do with her. See how easy it is for people to blame the people they know least about just because its EASY!!!!!! Honesty is a hard thing to practice for some people but I know if there is one thing I am its honest....sometimes to honest but it all works out in the end. I love all my family that I am blessed with and even some of the non family members I am not so blessed to have invovled in my life. Love is hard for me not to do. Isn't it suppose to be unconditional???

WOW!!!

This past week has been crazy hectic, but my family has been wonderful. Its amazing to me to see all of us functioning so well. Missin my baby boy as he is with his "birth vessal" in a homeless shelter. He really didn't get to enjoy this weeks venture but hopefully he is at least enjoying his time to the best of his ability. My husband has been extrodianary, sometimes I don't give him all the credit he deserves, which is why I am going to make some goals. #1 goal: appreciate my husband. #2 goal: MYSELF (includes keeping my running up and digging into the bible, learning more about god and his wonderful ways of working in our lives). #3 goal: stay focused on my family, including others, but keeping my family grounded and in front of everyone else. I know these are major goals but they are something I am working on. We worked our butts off last week which is why no blogging for me. This was so that we were able to attend my sister in laws babyshower in NY for a 4 day stay. We started driving at 5 am thursday and arrived in NY at 10pm. I drove the entire time, but enjoyed it, as it gave me something to take my mind off of all the things I was thinking/worried about plus gave my hubby a little more time to relax and wind down from working all week. When we got to NY families house we were greeted and taken care of like we belonged. This is something that I cherish as I have none of this in MI. I slept for a little bit and then was up bright and early to my hubby ready to start the day.....shocker, but something more natural for him latley. He was amazing ....... I know this already but to see him in another atmosphere and still being my husband was wonderful. Thank god for abilify :) Friday was hectic but happy hectic as I did what I needed to do to make my sister in laws shower just how she wanted it. It was huge and definatly cost my inlaws alot more money than a shower should cost, but it was what SHE wanted. They helped us with gas and food too, so I am sure it was a huge expense for them. I am just grateful it all got taken care of. And thanks to my husband I had to do NO cleaning, he had it all done when we got home from shopping for decorations and such, plus took care of our girls. Honestly it was nice of him to allow me to function without thinking of the extras. Dinner and then sleep was well needed friday night because Sat was the big shower and I was up decorating and getting ready early. The shower was a complete success for my sis in law, so I was happy she was happy. Lots of hard work from her family, but DONE. I thought I was going to be "scared" due to all of my husbands "friends and ex", however I just kept to the agenda which was sis in law and it took away most of my anxiety. Plus a little extra love from my mother in law which made me feel needed and wanted, something I crave. The kids did fine for what was going on, a few blow ups but nothing we couldn't control. Church on sunday was amazing, this whole trip was bittersweet. We were ready to get home and back to work but would love to still be there. Lots of tears this time when leaving which was hard, the whole family was crying in the car when we left, it was hard. We talked alot about moving, staying, loving, leaving...............just WOW!!!!! Final thought before I forget, we got in the car from church and I told my hubby I get emotional at church because I really enjoy it and he said well maybe we should try to find one to go to in MI.......another WOW!!!! God was working again, in church they spoke about gods plan and how we should follow it instead of jumping ahead of it.....Amen!!!! p.s......I finally got a piece of NY cheesecake, it was amazing. Sleeping in a hotel tonight (totally not my idea of spending money) but I am sure we all needed it. Back on the road at 5 am headed to Mi.