OMG

OMG OMG OMG, i don't find myself saying Gods' name in vain often but today is a different day.  I am passed the unconditional stage now.  I know I love my family and all it gives me unconditionally.  I get up when I am in pain, I love when I have no more love to give, I hope when I find no more hope, and I cry when I cant find anymore tears.  I am still here though.  God has a great way of showing me things will be ok.  Might not be the way I want them to be but they will be what I need.  I assumed this position almost 6 years ago now.  I came in with my eyes closed so tight I probably couldn't squint, but now I am all EYES open.  I have been living a small lie for awhile and trying to live my dreams forever, notice I say MY when what I really need to be doing is living through god and how he wants us to live.  I had a grasp on that for awhile but could have slipped through some more small cracks in life.  I also didn't realize I was living with a lie.  My husband, the man of my dreams, the love of my life, my lover, and my friend is in fact BIPOLAR.  I think a better word for it should be misunderstood.  There are alot of things in life that have to go through this thick skull of mine but this not being the most important for such a long time because of ME.  Well shame on me, cuz now I have a mess.  I am vunerable and my husband knows this very well.  However I wasn't aware that you can use this stuff against people.  Better put, I wasn't aware that people so close to my heart could step on it.  I wasn't aware of the tactics that they use, I wasn't going to believe that I couldn't fix it without that unconditional LOVE.  Wow has god opened my eyes to a NO CONTROL situation.  I can't fix this, I have no control over it, I have to do whats right by my husband and believe that this is gods will and he will see me through my husbands sickness.  I love my children enough to see them through this so why can't I see myself through this.  I am now going to beg my MIL to let me listen or read some of those stories, I am going to beg my FIL to tell me again how many sons he has, and I am going to listen to my damn head and not my heart for one sec and take care of this huge rock in my way.  My family is hard to explain or explain anything to so I will have to work on them later.  While at the ER last night the doc pulled me aside to ask me "if" i have been paying attention to my husbands injuries.  He probably thought I was ignorant but I started laughing because as long as I have been with my hubby he is injuring himself.  Then he said there was a pattern. ?????? Now the look in my eyes was enough for the doc to ask me to sit down for a sec.  Probably thought I was going to pass out.  Just a little for me to take in when a doctor pulls u aside.  Still pondering and going over the paperwork but ............. he was right and the steps that we talked about after that were even better.  There is a god and I today am thankful that my hubby isn't smart enough to put the dates on things or pay attention to paperwork or money.  Never thought I would say this because of the situation with our lives normally but who said anything about normal when i said I DO.  GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE AND THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN.  :)

Unconditional Love

Today I am thinking about unconditional love........... is God the only one that can do this???  I am trying to keep the peace in a house full of different minds.  It is amazing to actually watch these children and my husband interact, but I am so depressed about the lying.  Years of lying to myself and my children has me hating the fact that my husband can do it so well.  I know and have been reading ALOT on bi-polar and want to stabalize him.  Called the doctor this week for the shot that MIL told me about and OUR doc, in Traverse City is not even familiar with the proper dosage and if our insurance will pay for it.  I dropped off a copy of some google work I did on the shot after MIL told me to, its something that would work for my husband but will it take away the LIES???  Doubtfully I sit in our bed, hearing little and BIG footsteps upstairs.  I love them all unconditionally.  I decided to make this short and sweet.  I love unconditionally, like God, like I was taught.  maybe its the generation gaps, maybe its the bi-polar, maybe its just the fact that they are looking to love unconditionally and were never taught.  Sad thing about it is he believes his own lies and gets caught up in them.  Yesterday X had a fieldtrip and he came home with the story of a BAD day, I talked to his teacher last night and he had a fine day.  After he was in bed and still crying I asked him why he lied, and if he had a good day that he should always share both..........he said DAD does it and it gets you to talk to him, so I wanted U to talk to me.................UGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I want to scream, cry, hold him tight, never let them go.  My girls are good at lying too, I will not disclude them BUT at least when they lie its to get them out of trouble.  Whats with the lying to get attention and negative attention at that?  Today I will teach X that he can ASK for my attention and I will GIVE it to him.  One step at a time. One day at a time.  I am all alone and this is scary for me, but its something I can handle.  I married this man and I love him UNCONDITONALLY!!!!  I love them ALL, the whole family, mine and his, our children, our life, our jobs...........GOD!!!!

Feelings

Im writing here again because I am super lost in this world, not knowing what you should be here for sometimes screws me up.  Its Saturday and I have RSVP'd my family to the "FAMILY SUB PICNIC".  I just woke up to start getting ready and K(older) says she is going with her gma and her cousins for the day, this leaving X and lil K out, which is nothing new but hurts my feelings.  My family is sincerly screwed up anyways, add my outside family into it and its a disaster waiting to happen.  My hubby is getting ready to go frisbee golfing with friends and taking X (who has been grounded two weekends in a row) with him.  Makes no sense.  Not to mention, my hubby is the one who wanted to be apart of this "sub" stuff which is why he took my dog to the pound :( this in which he completly lied about).  Add in the fact that they all left with me just laying in my wrap no help and noone to ask how are you feeling?  I guess I get ready and go to the thing by myself........this is "weird" to me, it always seems when the going gets tough my hubby skips out.  He was an amazing caretaker when I was not able to even care for myself but not without cussing and throwing stuff at me, along with the name calling.  But all the decietful lies about the money and the fact that he was making the deposits for me hurts too because it shows I can't control the situation.  I'm just scared, first with the in-laws helping with the banking this shows them we can't be responsable, but when I am doing the banking things are better.  They still believe I am trying to live outside of my means.  I'm not going to say I have never because I am a grown women who has taken care of my own way before my husband came into the picture and was able to do it, maybe not perfect.  Government assistance was used but when you take care of children whos' fathers' don't want to be in their lives you do what you have to to survive.  Lost because I don't know where to start.......the feelings I have for my children are deeper than my emotions for my self, and i am always trying to make my hubby happy which is impossable for the most part.  Making myself happy would be fine but I am a caretaker, i just want everyone else to stay happy, now I guess they are all happy and its pretty much leaving me to do all the shit work, this hurts my feelings :( what is family time, why do we, well I, try to hard to have it.  Is this love, cuz if it is my feelings are hurt :( but i know i am suppose to count my blessings, so right now I am blessed to have the family i do and that they are all healthy.  thank god.

its been awhile

My life has been through alot of ups and downs latley.  I am hoping god is looking at my morals and values and knowing i am in love with my life and my family.  I just had an abdominal surgery 5 weeks ago and have been healing from that.  Through this surgery I wasn't aware god would show me yet more things to think about.  My son is in a bad way needing individualized attention and since my surgery has been totally off his schedule.  I am feeling sad that I have to go back to work and don't have a "vacation" to get the group back together.  With that being said, I am blessed to have had the surgery I had, I am sad my arms are still in pain and that surgery was denied (so far).  I am sad my middle daughter is still having weight issues and does not "care or realize" its hurting her.  I am fortunate that no matter how spoiled my teenager is she is still making it through life with little help from her mother and NO interaction from her father.  I was not thinking when I blended this family.  But I love this family and with all my might I will fight to keep us together.  I am very fortunate that my inlaws are taking care of our financial issues so that we are not living in a box since both my husband and I have $$$ issues all the way around.  I wanna start back on my walking but I am so sore, I didn't realize I would be set this far back from this surgery but it was much needed for my health.  I am sitting down thinking and looking at all the piles that stacked up of paperwork I have to do, so I should start there........................need a hug.

the day after.....

I am thankful today for today, thankful I am done working already, thankful I didn't have the money to even think about battling the friday crowds :) Life is throwing some major curve balls at me but I am handling them as they come and dealing with my feelings after the situation is over. If there is something I have been learning in a blended family its to leave your feelings out of it until the situation is resolved. The friends god has chosen to place in my life at this time make my life seem so simple, thanking god for showing me life isn't as major as I make it out to be. I tend to overannalize situations and it makes them way more messy than need be. Just leaving well enough alone and working on life with my kids and hubby. I love god and his ways, sometimes they just scare me into believing life is suppose to be different. I am happily married to the man of my dreams and have three beautiful children and wonderful family and friends surrounding me. Feeling blessed today. Trying to avoid thinking about the pain and my upcomming surgery and what might happen when i can't work. Praying :)

thankful Nov 19....

Today I am thankful for being alive, feeling emotions, and breathing deeply when i want to punch someone in the face. Wondering if this is something I should or shouldn't be thankful for? :) My son is gone for a week, please say a prayer that he stays safe. The situation with his bimbo is never safe but my hubby chose that one for him so its out of my control. I am also thankful that my hubby is rationalizing things out to the best of his ability and still loves me after I make him think and analyze things so deeply. I am also thankful that my MIL still has time to address our family issues when she is given such a heavy plate of her own. Thank you god for another day of ins and outs.

another "thankful" day in november....

today i am thankful for my children, no matter what happens there is always something i can pick out of the three of them that i taught them, that makes me a proud parent. considering they all three have very difficult other parents that have major affects on them at different times in their lives. bless their hearts for "dealing" with each situation however they can.