Home again....took my boo (middle child) to the fireworks tonight to meet a friend and her daughter. I was expecting and planning on my hubby being with us, this will make the second 4th I haven't spent "well" with him. He isn't much for the crowds and stuff which has always put me on the spot wether to do the things i know i can do for my children or make my hubby happy. He was tired so I just let him sleep. The happy part to that was spending time with boo, she really enjoyed some just her and I time and we really made it simple, then to our suprise her sister, my oldest called and said she wanted to be with us, so she walked down and sat with us. My girls and I....couldn't ask for a better time, other than the boys being with me. That was just the sad part, I haven't seen fireworks and had my hubby holding me (romantic thing) in a few years. Is it because we are so differant? Not going to stress it, we have talked about all that I do for him and with him, and all he doesn't really "want" to do that I enjoy, so I will leave it at a disapointment, but nothing I am not used to now. He really doesn't enjoy alot of family stuff with all of us, but he tries and thats all I can ask. Tonight was possably a blessing, no stress at all and I enjoyed my beautiful time with my two wonderful girls. God has blessed me with girls who luv luv their mom so I enjoyed every second with them both.
Sometimes with my hubby I feel like my feelings arn't as important, but I am pretty sure he loves me so............i have to believe. i guess him being tired and wanting to sleep is a major thing so i let him do it, BUT, i also feel that I get no sleep cuz i am constantly doing stuff and then thinking stuff and then letting him sleep in to get up with our son at 5 am. I try to tell him alot of "normal" people function on minimal sleep because its a huge job to take care of a family. But i must have been put here to take his slack or pick up his part if he is tired. We will just have to keep trying to feel it out. I think the thing that scares me most is he really doesn't want to enjoy family time unless its a have to. I am totally family oriented so we contrast there, but I love him so I am dealing with it. Someday maybe he will enjoy our family as a whole. He really is taking baby steps for the children in the right direction so I consider myself lucky to have him attempting. Love is a hard thing for me to believe in due to MY immediate family so I think I will always want him there and its probably selfish. Another work in progress for me. I just hope he doesn't fall out of love with me because of our differant feelings about "normal". I also love and respect his family so I am webbed into his web for sure. God knows I am here for the long hall.
I have asked my mother in law to let me have a few hours for just me and gb (grand baby/joels bio daughter ) and she seemed to be ok with it, i just want her to know I want to be there for marissa too and that i love her like the rest of my kids. Anyways I am very content with spending some fun with my daughters, just really missed spending time with my hubby for the holiday. Say a prayer for tomorrow, I am planning a family trip to the dunes, almost another sure craziness, but I myself am going to watch myself and my attitude and try to make the best of it. Just really really missin some lovin from my hubby, hopin someday he will want to do this family stuff more. Tomorrow is never promised to us so I am just glad he is laying in bed sleeping next to me for tonight. One day at a time, and alot of soul searching for myself.
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