He loves me, he loves me not....

Here i sit, after taking kids to school and sending my husband off to work.......wondering?!?! What do i do, i have exhausted myself to make this family happy, i have even added a little bit of happiness to my life by excersizing, this doesn't seem to be helping. Things only are getting worse. I am nagging and bitching at the kids, I am arguing with my husband to the point that today he told me to get some more "pills". this hurts me, i hurt, i have been crying for the past two days and i can't even do that anymore. His actions are all there, but he knows how to act to cover his feelings, he is a smart man. I feel in my heart that he is not "into" US anymore. I am praying everyday that god help me deal with this so that our family can get back on track. I know you can't make people love you and its getting close to his track of timing that he gets bored. I want love. I want life. I want happiness but can't grasp any of it at this moment. I have been told to go to church a few times, but try and get told we are to busy by my husband. I try to respect his feelings and seem to be failing at that too. I feel like a failure but yet i feel like i am doing EVERYTHING i can as a mother and wife....kinda confused. money is a part of it, and i am always screaming that we didn't have these kids by ourselves so why are we doing it by ourselves, i can handle the emotional part of it if the money part of it wasn't so stressful. It seems like everytime i get ahead something comes up that takes me back financially. My husbands simple answer to this is i will ask my parents. well being a parent and a person with pride, i don't ever ask his parents unless its a HAVE to situation. I know we can do it. We have functioned pretty well for the past three years. This is however the first time I have worked a full time and a part time job, and i feel like we are slipping further and further away from our goals. HOW????? I really am so angry today I can't even blog, i think i am going to read my bible and ask god to show me the way. I just need some insight on our lives and i don't know who to talk to anymore. plz god fix my situation so i can better this family and feel loved. I feel like a walking time bomb and that isn't helping anything. I am making a decision to go off all my medicane and going to do it to see if maybe some of the side effects are interacting with the way my life is going. help help help.....................................i love him more than life and i love these kids more than that. i just guess i don't know what to do anymore. i need guidance. but most important i need my husband to love me again. stress is a horrible thing and how do you get rid of it. how do i make everyone happy when i am pretty happy with myself. it is usually always like this in my life, when i do something for me the whole house falls apart in front of my face. i am at the give up point and i don't know what to do. i promised before god that i would be with this man forever and i have alot of things that say I will, but what am i doing to make him so unhappy. what do i do to change it, what do i do to be less stressed, what do i do to make my family whole again??????

If u can't say anything nice....don't talk.

Prime example of how i feel right now. I haven't blogged in awhile because really haven't had time to think let alone write it down. Why today??? I decided i shouldn't be talking today because anything that comes out of my mouth isn't going to be nice. I am literally fed up with alot of shit and don't know how to address the amount of issues I have on my plate. I know I am blessed to have what I do have and I thank god for that almost everyday. Its just days like this that I should probably keep my mouth shut!!!! So venting........ I have held this family down to the best of my ability since I entered into it. I have been blessed to have enough business until now to get us through with my husbands income/unemployment, because of the economy my business slowed down so what do I do, go and get a few more side jobs and another part time job. This is fine with me, other than I have NO control over what is going on at home. I usually get 10 or so phone calls a day asking what to do or screaming he/she isn't listening to me, etc etc.... This i figure is normal since the kids are not used to dad being at home instead of mom. I totally had alot of faith in my husband to be able to do this because he is so good with the kids when they need it. Guess my expectations got the best of me AGAIN. He is maintaining which is more than I could ask for at this moment, so this is life. My issues are getting harder to not have control of though. X isn't doing well in school at all, I have no time to address the school and my husband won't even make a call, besides this is his baby so what could he possably be doing that is that bad. HAHA!!!! just for example he told his dad he had a bad day today but "forgot" to tell him he put his hands on another student AGAIN. When i got home he was playing and khamille was begging for someone to play basketball with her and kaylee was in her room. Typical stuff, just to much to handle for one person who is just getting used to all this, I do really understand. What I don't understand is the shit that comes out of his mouth when he is angry and the way he handles all the kids inconsistantly. He is under the assumption that all the kids should have the same punishments. They are all totally differant ages and going thru totally differant stuff, this is one of the places I disagree, but have been dealing because something is better than nothing at all, and i have had that before too.
I have been having some issues with trying to get through to him that the car is not functioning right and I get, then go get it looked at.....lol......somewhere in my free time (haha) I did find time to have them tell me its a more serious problem and I can't afford to fix it right now. This is hard because my husband is court ordered eosunday to make a 300 mile trip to pick up "our" son from his birth vessal. I asked him to call the courts and in his version I got....." they said there is nothing i can do about it, if she misses a visit because of us, he goes to jail." My response was than maybe thats what should happen to get someones attention. He had a good point, that if this happens the birth vessal may retaliate and take X while he is in jail. True, so i just said fine drive the car and if it gets stuck in saginaw then we just deal with it. Life goes on. Funny though, he wouldn't even attempt to talk to her and try to negotiate something, he feels like its useless but always tells me he will, its just to get me to shut my mouth though (his words). O.k. so I gave him that issue and said I am not going to be the middle person anymore. Now on to the next..... (still venting).... while playing basketball with khamille something happened that my husband only seen some of it and we had three differant versions. Suprise!!! So i gently asked why wasn't anything done about the situation. His response .. "this is f-ing ridiculous." I said well if your not happy and this is stupid then you know what you have to do. His response, " then go get the papers." So because he is stressed and I am stressed his easy way out is a divorce???? A little dramatic if you ask me, until he then got back in the middle of the first issue and told khamille to get her fat a-- up and finsih playing. She proceeded to cry and flip out and well....the whole damn family was throwing temper tantrums. wow, not sure how or why, but pretty sure its the stress of him having NO control over his sons issues. I don't really have anyone to talk to about all this so I am venting. I am sick of my life being whatever makes everyone else happy. I disagree with alot but always try to talk it through with him. Wish he would be able to do the same, just going to realize that its not going to work out that way, he is a very unreasonable person to begin with and doesn't take change very well at all. What a mess!!!!! I didn't respond well to any of it nor do i even know how without saying something that may hurt someone.....so gonna keep it inside and pray. My main problem is I am having a hard time believing nothing can be done about alot of these situations when i got alot done last year, just had to do alot of communicating and appointments, both of which again my husband doesn't like to do. Lord please help my children deal with this change, and show my husband that communication (in pleasant words) is the key. My oldest daughter, whom is very spoiled and oppionated, but has been through alot and makes very sensable points and decisions said......"mom, i sometimes wish you were single and rich" then at least the simple things in life you could have and you wouldn't always be worrying about someone else's issues." I told her if i was rich i would probably give to the community and that I am married so single is out of the question. her response, "then i just wish you were happy." I am blessed in many more ways than I allow to see.....sometimes our blessings are in the SMALL STUFF!!!!!!!

Sadness

I am awake and its like 2am, not suprising considering my schedule and responsabilities I have going on. Not mad, just sad.........I have been doing ALOT latley almost to the point that A: I have only been working out every other day, B: I rarley get an hour with my family at night and the hour I get in the morning is rushing around getting them ready, C: I seem to have the mother theresa syndrome right now (LOL) not suprising cuz most of my friends come to me for advice or to vent because they feel I am "strong" anyways, but tiring when your the listener and don't get alot of time to vent. Just life I am sure. I am happy in my marraige, actually since my MIL reminded me of her parents anniversary I have been looking at my marraige and respecting it in a more special way. So if all this is going on then why do I feel sad. I have been working really hard to get back into a little bit of shape latley. Happy with my self also to be a role model for the kids...(backfiring)....not suprised. :) Knowing deep in my heart my husband has always been attracked to "thick" women, I still decided I wanted to be healthier for myself and have done just that. Not major I didn't think but I laid down with my hubby tonight to relax finally at like 1130pm and gently said your not happy with me right now being "thinner" are you? The answer was close to what my heart has been feeling but to my suprise he was pretty honest and just said NO hunny, I don't like how your body looks. No, "I mean, your beautiful, just thinner than my liking." or nothing. Just NO!!!! also with a "especially your butt and hips." Lots of tears will not stop running down my cheeks while he is sound asleep next to me. Just sad. I don't believe he would leave me, but to have the one person whom you have always wanted to please, outside myself, be unhappy with the way I look isn't making sense, and to have worked so hard and be so "pleased" with my self for once. I am confused, do I gain it back so I don't loose him or feel like he is looking at me like I am gross, especially when his actions are close to the same as his feelings. He continues to say if he had the money he would fix it for me, but I know he means well for my inner feelings too, but it just hurts I suppose to feel like an eyesore to the love of my life. Something to add to the plate of issues I have right now. Bills are never going to get paid, as hard as I am working nothing is getting done around the house that needs it, my kids miss me, i miss my hubby and the kids, but am continuing to stay strong and making sure I count my blessings carefully each day. Sadness is hard for me to handle because I have so much more important things to deal with right now. I almost feel selfish to even be thinking about it when the kids need all my thoughts to get through each day.....guess thats why I can't sleep tonight, gonna be a LONG day tomorrow as I am going to clean two houses then work all evening. Guess this is the thing called "living the family dream." I am going to finish crying just needed a place to vent, not sure what to do or think right now. Praying tonight for peace in my heart. God will watch over my marriage and do with it whatever should be done, but giving this one to god is going to be something HARD for me to do. I believe in my husband, I love him, I would do anything to make him happy, but I was sure that included me being happy too. Sadness hurts......my heart feels achy. Guess I will try and sleep and hoping this will not effect my mood in 4 hours when I have to get up and send the kids off to school. I can't be mad because he was honest. I have always asked him to please at least give me that in our lives. God I am trying to smile but my sadness is overwhelming tonight. Goodnight.

just when u think.......

I am not even sure where to start this one off at.....my life is full of some serious stuff in a not so serious way right now. I am sick, god help me and the family for when this happens life goes crazy, noone in the house can figure out what or how to do things. This is when i usually try to let the girls go somewhere because my hubby gets all frustrated with to many tasks, then i in turn get frustrated with him because this is stuff i do every day without batting an eye, and i always wonder why he can't seem to grasp it all and do what i do. No questions or answers for that one other than he is MALE. (giggle). Its just a tooth issue so i hope it won't last to long as i only have a few down days that i can even take. Getting better as I had to have them pulled and now they say dentures at 36...wow....what a mess, and another cost we have NO money for. My hubby got laid off so I am picking up some hours at a store and working my houses too, no telling what this school year will bring with my hubby doing some of the school stuff. Pray for us please. Missing my family in NY and trying to cope with what little family I have here. Finding out that my heart is on my sleeve and I have NO backbone to support it. Damn this is a hard lesson to learn. I think I have attempted to learn it for awhile now, and god will continue to test me while I fail misserably. Praying for that one too :) No luck on a church yet but haven't really had time for that. Finding out that real friends are hard to come by and trying to understand why my blood family is so out of control. I have been counting my blessings and always will, noone is dying and life is just at a hectic point. I am usually good at managing money and getting the kids what they need but how do you do it with no money. By the grace of god I think. Loosing my faith in myself because all my actions are turning into disasters. Haven't stayed in complete contact with my mother in law as she is super stressed and busy herself. Oh how i remember the days i talked to her for hours and felt soooooo relieved. I am hoping my girls don't end up making all these silly mistakes I have made by opening my heart to everyone, but unfortunatly I am sure they are both on the same path. Never would have thought kindness would be a path of destruction. I am pretty sure its time to clean out my closet but not sure where or how to start, i don't have any idea how to be mean. O.k. so I have a idea but can't stick to it. Life is just that at the moment.......LIFE. thankful i got a day away and enjoyed some great memories with my little bro as it was probably a once in a lifetime oppurtunity cuz he isn't always "here" either. I am good with all the faith god has put in me to keep this family I have a float but I wish he would put some faith in others to be kind and considerate for what I have been doing. praying today. p.s. my son is home now so that eases alot of thoughts, and both kids have done two progressive councelor appts. I love the new person they are seeing as she is opening my eyes to new ideas as to why these things are going on in their lives.

God........

Someone told me today that i need to look to god for some answers. I thought i had been but apparently I am not getting the answers that are coming to me. I love my hubby, children, and family more than life itself. God is who i answer to for the most part, maybe owe him a little more appreciation........going to find a church to attend wether the family comes or not. I am so lost with this god thing, can't grasp whats reality and what i should give to god. Miss my son to death and am so worried about him. My girls are going through a major tribulation at this moment and i feel they will make it. I just have a heart and no back bone. I know this and pretty sure its what gets in my way of a lot of happiness in my life. As far as I am concerned I am more than blessed to have what i have, i will never take it for granted. I am learning to love my lil girl in a differant way, which seems to be getting me somewhere with her. NO more focusing on her weight, not gonna do it. I was 30 years old or so when i started this weight loss journey and wouldn't trade it for the world, prior to that i just wasn't ready I guess. Actually now that i look back on it, kinda glad i was a big girl, if i had all the attention i get now i would have probably not known how to handle it. Now i am happily married and have a beautiful family to love. Please send her a prayer for this is going to be a long struggle for her and she will have to make sure she deals with it, all this nagging is getting me nowhere so new approach her i come. Gotta get my hubby regulated somehow.....but progress is better than landslides so i really don't have to much to complain about. I have some guest staying with me right now and what doesn't break me can only make me stronger. We as a family have decided to set a date so they all know when they can have their space back. Please pray for those who have no ambition to move foward. God will take care of this right???? Just counting my blessings today and realizing I have a ton!!! thank you god for showing me the right path to take. I love you.

HELP!!!!

Never in my life did I think i was going to be to the point with my children where I would need help, well of course we all need help and there are struggles, but this one is to the extreme. X, we can deal with, we know the cause and effect of what life in saginaw is for him and its just something out of our control, especially in the summer when its two weeks on two weeks off, but he leaves a big boy and comes home crying over everything and absolutly throwing a fit like a two year old. We understand its what goes on down there and that we just have to pattern him back to reality. My teenager, is well just that still, a teen......mouthy sometimes, knows it ALL, and not very helpful but definatly doing more than she thinks is nescassary....typical. The middle child, Khamille is outta control. She is 9 and about 190 pds, i cannot get her to stop eating or thinking about food. Its almost like its a compulsive disease. Granted her father and I are both overweight and have never steered her properly I get that, I have gone to the extreme as to weigh out her food with her, show her whats proper to eat, and taken away almost all sweets in the house. Good for the whole family really, but khamille will continue to think, dream, lie, and abbuse this food issue. I literally have never seen someone eat as much as she does except for when i weighed in at 400pds. I am frustrated. I have no outlets because everyone says work with her, write it down, show her it can be done, give her options, etc etc etc....done it all, to the point where I can now say NO and she will out right say I don't love her and I am starving her to death, slam doors, scream mean things, throw fits...........its not at all healthy for any of us. I know she is lacking love.......crazy to say when i can love til i am blue in the face all of the children and anyone else who needs it. I try to do my best with her but its not going to be what she needs............she needs cuddled, hugged, picked up, all the things anyone elses normal 9 year old would want, but she either goes about it wrong or just plain doesn't get it. My husband was great with her for awhile, especially since he is the one who doesn't like to touch....he would hug her, even patting her on the back, which i thought, well now that i think about it is almost worse, cause it just doesn't seem like real love to her. I am at a complete stand still with her.............. counceling, jogging, sports, friends, clothes, done it all, nothing is good enough. Even mom time didn't work out, we totally butt heads and it just turns into a disapointment for her. Is there something i can do ?????? I love her sooo much!!!! I don't want to see her hurt anymore.

Life goes on....

Wow, somethings are just never left alone. I am hurting, but its normally probably a selfish feeling, probably is now too, but i haven't cried because of unhappiness in a long time. Today must have been the deal breaker. Lots of stuff going on and lots of harsh words flying around. This is not the way god wants us to act, as I am deep into reading the bible and have been for a few weeks now. Not in any special order just under each circumstance as my day moves foward. But in it it speaks alot of honesty and consideration. Not just to your family but to those around you. I have been achieving my goals, definatly slacking on the kids one for sure......damn i love them more than anything in this world, but why is it so hard to figure each one of them out and what then need and want, not to mention whats going on or what i am putting them through while learning also. but in the end just as I made my own choices no matter what my mom and dad told or did to me, they will make theirs. I can only guide them and lead by example. I feel i am the best mom that i can be with what i have, as well as is every other mother out there trying to meet their childrens needs, of course fathers too. I thank god everyday I have a wonderful husband who cares not just about his children but mine too. Speaking of his children. God please put a special ring around our GB for she is going through a "special" situation that needs your guidance. She is a precious little girl and I am happy for her to be content and happy in life. It is super hard on my hubby, but only in certain ways. He knows what he did was wrong but he also knows he did what he thought was right at the time. And she loves her mom and dad (my hubbys' parents.) cant take love away from a child unless they are in harms way. I have been practicing the sermon i listened to in NY, that of which god has a plan and we can't control his plan, we must be happy for what it is no matter what. And of course I am still practicing how to approach and talk to people without making situations into giant mountains. That one is super hard for me, but all i can do is strive to achieve the goals i have made for myself and my family. Being a nice person isn't always going to help me gain alot in life, but it does show god I respect what he has given me and I will make sure i appreciate him. Finding a church or a womens bible study is next on my list, but next isn't right around the corner with the list i have on the table. I wish our grandmothers were still here to help us through these times. Although i do consider the fact that i have some superior angels guiding and watching over me. Funny I am sitting here wondering why or who or even what to do and I just keep going back to trust god. Never in a million years did i think i would be to that point in my life. My sons birth mother called yesterday to tell him the news of her having a baby girl, he wasn't so happy about that considering he already has 3 sisters. She also stated that she was really wanting my husband to consider being a part in this childs life. I got kinda jealous for a moment, considering he has baby fever right now, but i know in my heart that we have alot to work for now, if another child would ever be in our future again it would be gods will. I think i really would like him to just be honest with her and tell her he doesn't really care, but i am not sure what it would accomplish anyways. People will make things in their heads whatever they want to make them. No control angie, no control.....gods will, gods will. I had a great day with my kids yesterday and they enjoyed most of their time with me. I spanked them both, totally not in my plan but honestly when it was all said and done they got the point, of course after a few bad names and a few u don't love me things..........i remember when my mother spanked me, it wasn't great then but the few times it happened i will remember and cherish forever. It made me see she meant business, and a spanking now and then doesn't mean beating them, just swattin them on there hinny. Kinda funny now that i look back at it, all of a sudden i seen a change in their attitudes. Wont be doing it on a daily but they are starting to realize who is in charge. And for now its NOT them. I have to keep on focusing on making them understand that i am doing all this out of love....tough love, and its probably one of the hardest things i have ever done in my life. Who would have thought raising children could be such a challenge.....lol. i love you all, family, friends, and even those enemies out there i have, i love them just as much for making me a stronger person in the end. Life will go on....