Life goes on....

Wow, somethings are just never left alone. I am hurting, but its normally probably a selfish feeling, probably is now too, but i haven't cried because of unhappiness in a long time. Today must have been the deal breaker. Lots of stuff going on and lots of harsh words flying around. This is not the way god wants us to act, as I am deep into reading the bible and have been for a few weeks now. Not in any special order just under each circumstance as my day moves foward. But in it it speaks alot of honesty and consideration. Not just to your family but to those around you. I have been achieving my goals, definatly slacking on the kids one for sure......damn i love them more than anything in this world, but why is it so hard to figure each one of them out and what then need and want, not to mention whats going on or what i am putting them through while learning also. but in the end just as I made my own choices no matter what my mom and dad told or did to me, they will make theirs. I can only guide them and lead by example. I feel i am the best mom that i can be with what i have, as well as is every other mother out there trying to meet their childrens needs, of course fathers too. I thank god everyday I have a wonderful husband who cares not just about his children but mine too. Speaking of his children. God please put a special ring around our GB for she is going through a "special" situation that needs your guidance. She is a precious little girl and I am happy for her to be content and happy in life. It is super hard on my hubby, but only in certain ways. He knows what he did was wrong but he also knows he did what he thought was right at the time. And she loves her mom and dad (my hubbys' parents.) cant take love away from a child unless they are in harms way. I have been practicing the sermon i listened to in NY, that of which god has a plan and we can't control his plan, we must be happy for what it is no matter what. And of course I am still practicing how to approach and talk to people without making situations into giant mountains. That one is super hard for me, but all i can do is strive to achieve the goals i have made for myself and my family. Being a nice person isn't always going to help me gain alot in life, but it does show god I respect what he has given me and I will make sure i appreciate him. Finding a church or a womens bible study is next on my list, but next isn't right around the corner with the list i have on the table. I wish our grandmothers were still here to help us through these times. Although i do consider the fact that i have some superior angels guiding and watching over me. Funny I am sitting here wondering why or who or even what to do and I just keep going back to trust god. Never in a million years did i think i would be to that point in my life. My sons birth mother called yesterday to tell him the news of her having a baby girl, he wasn't so happy about that considering he already has 3 sisters. She also stated that she was really wanting my husband to consider being a part in this childs life. I got kinda jealous for a moment, considering he has baby fever right now, but i know in my heart that we have alot to work for now, if another child would ever be in our future again it would be gods will. I think i really would like him to just be honest with her and tell her he doesn't really care, but i am not sure what it would accomplish anyways. People will make things in their heads whatever they want to make them. No control angie, no control.....gods will, gods will. I had a great day with my kids yesterday and they enjoyed most of their time with me. I spanked them both, totally not in my plan but honestly when it was all said and done they got the point, of course after a few bad names and a few u don't love me things..........i remember when my mother spanked me, it wasn't great then but the few times it happened i will remember and cherish forever. It made me see she meant business, and a spanking now and then doesn't mean beating them, just swattin them on there hinny. Kinda funny now that i look back at it, all of a sudden i seen a change in their attitudes. Wont be doing it on a daily but they are starting to realize who is in charge. And for now its NOT them. I have to keep on focusing on making them understand that i am doing all this out of love....tough love, and its probably one of the hardest things i have ever done in my life. Who would have thought raising children could be such a challenge.....lol. i love you all, family, friends, and even those enemies out there i have, i love them just as much for making me a stronger person in the end. Life will go on....

Life

Well back to the grind. Going to get my baby boy tomorrow, Khamille is needing a break from the house, and kaylee is out doing what she does best....hanging out. My hubby is sleeping in on his day off, thats all usual stuff really. I am just sitting here knowing how blessed I am but wondering what god has in store for me. My hubby is getting baby fever, scary shit....he wants us to adopt a baby that will be part of "us". Pretty sure X is just that, really since we have had him since he was 1.5, but he wants to balance our family.....lol. My first thought, we need a bigger car. O.k. well its already Monday.......shows u how much time and thought I get to blog. We have our son safe back at home. Khamille is still needing something?? (can't quite put my hands on it). Kaylee is still doing what she does best. My hubby is back to work. Miss him alot but he loves his job and works hard at it. On the note of children, I would love to add another to the family but as I was stating before, our car doesn't hold our family of five now without lots of bickering and arguing, financially we are dumping alot of money into this house and its not ours, its just rent, and last but not least TIME!!!! Will I ever find enough time for another? Just questions and thoughts i guess, cuz all this won't happen quickly but just the thought of having another child is well..........."unidentified" at this time.
I am really upset today with life in general. I have made a few decisions in my past that were not to impressive, not even to me as I look back on them. Also they have became patterns of my children now so I am kinda getting it back in my face, I guess thats what you call KARMA. I definatly believe in god, so I know all about what comes around goes around, etc etc..... I got home today to do the first thing I do when I have a spair minute, which is go straight to my bedroom and read my mother in laws blog. One it makes me happy to know whats going on in her day, two it helps me realize that whats on my plate isn't as much as I am making it out to be, three to get input and suggestions on life, as she has many years dealing with all this stuff that I don't. I got to my computer today to find something aweful out. I read in it that her DIL, which is me stated something about something in a conversation that turned their situation into a mess. HAHA, not funny at all, actually just the opposite. I took a deep breath and called my hubby to start yelling at him. When he answered I simply told him I loved him and that I needed to make a phone call, i would call him back. Why yell at him about something that he has no control over. So i picked up the phone and called my mother in law. I explained to her that I had nothing to do with what was said, but that I did say at one point that I was upset at my husband for his decisions with his daughter and her situation. Alot of this went on before I was around so I don't have alot of control over it now, it makes no sense for me to jump into it so late in the game. This being something I just decided over the past month with all the interaction we have had with his family. I then called my husband and explained to him what happened but that my mother in law said she believed me. Which if the situation was played out before the blame was given all would have known that A: I was too busy making sure my sis in law was happy, B: I was sick sick and trying to feel better in between, and C: I was already plenty anxified over who was at the baby shower to even think about Alot of anything. Let alone worry about something that wasn't even on the table for discussion as far as I knew at that point. Anyways, my hubby said, hunny.....don't worry, my sis and I were talking about it when we were smoking and (the lady) was out there and possably heard it. And she would find it easier to blame you so my parents would look down on you and it might make her daughter look better. I accepted all this and am leaving it alone, due to the fact that only GOD can judge me, and I know I wouldn't have discussed this certain situation with this certain person anyways. The reason I am babbeling is because I used to be the one to tell everyone anything all the time. I am now the opposite, other than sometimes true statements come out when they shouldn't but its only because I hate liers. I am no longer the gossiping queen I used to be, and I am completley honest with people even when it makes me look bad, just because in the end I have learned the truth will set you free. Whatever the case was, I am ok now and am praying that all goes well in my mother in laws situation as to hope my hubby or I would not ruffle feathers in such a fragile thing anyways. We honestly love his daughter and would do anything to have her a part of our disfunctional blended family, even if that means just visits when we can get them in, so I would never jepordize anything to do with her. See how easy it is for people to blame the people they know least about just because its EASY!!!!!! Honesty is a hard thing to practice for some people but I know if there is one thing I am its honest....sometimes to honest but it all works out in the end. I love all my family that I am blessed with and even some of the non family members I am not so blessed to have invovled in my life. Love is hard for me not to do. Isn't it suppose to be unconditional???

WOW!!!

This past week has been crazy hectic, but my family has been wonderful. Its amazing to me to see all of us functioning so well. Missin my baby boy as he is with his "birth vessal" in a homeless shelter. He really didn't get to enjoy this weeks venture but hopefully he is at least enjoying his time to the best of his ability. My husband has been extrodianary, sometimes I don't give him all the credit he deserves, which is why I am going to make some goals. #1 goal: appreciate my husband. #2 goal: MYSELF (includes keeping my running up and digging into the bible, learning more about god and his wonderful ways of working in our lives). #3 goal: stay focused on my family, including others, but keeping my family grounded and in front of everyone else. I know these are major goals but they are something I am working on. We worked our butts off last week which is why no blogging for me. This was so that we were able to attend my sister in laws babyshower in NY for a 4 day stay. We started driving at 5 am thursday and arrived in NY at 10pm. I drove the entire time, but enjoyed it, as it gave me something to take my mind off of all the things I was thinking/worried about plus gave my hubby a little more time to relax and wind down from working all week. When we got to NY families house we were greeted and taken care of like we belonged. This is something that I cherish as I have none of this in MI. I slept for a little bit and then was up bright and early to my hubby ready to start the day.....shocker, but something more natural for him latley. He was amazing ....... I know this already but to see him in another atmosphere and still being my husband was wonderful. Thank god for abilify :) Friday was hectic but happy hectic as I did what I needed to do to make my sister in laws shower just how she wanted it. It was huge and definatly cost my inlaws alot more money than a shower should cost, but it was what SHE wanted. They helped us with gas and food too, so I am sure it was a huge expense for them. I am just grateful it all got taken care of. And thanks to my husband I had to do NO cleaning, he had it all done when we got home from shopping for decorations and such, plus took care of our girls. Honestly it was nice of him to allow me to function without thinking of the extras. Dinner and then sleep was well needed friday night because Sat was the big shower and I was up decorating and getting ready early. The shower was a complete success for my sis in law, so I was happy she was happy. Lots of hard work from her family, but DONE. I thought I was going to be "scared" due to all of my husbands "friends and ex", however I just kept to the agenda which was sis in law and it took away most of my anxiety. Plus a little extra love from my mother in law which made me feel needed and wanted, something I crave. The kids did fine for what was going on, a few blow ups but nothing we couldn't control. Church on sunday was amazing, this whole trip was bittersweet. We were ready to get home and back to work but would love to still be there. Lots of tears this time when leaving which was hard, the whole family was crying in the car when we left, it was hard. We talked alot about moving, staying, loving, leaving...............just WOW!!!!! Final thought before I forget, we got in the car from church and I told my hubby I get emotional at church because I really enjoy it and he said well maybe we should try to find one to go to in MI.......another WOW!!!! God was working again, in church they spoke about gods plan and how we should follow it instead of jumping ahead of it.....Amen!!!! p.s......I finally got a piece of NY cheesecake, it was amazing. Sleeping in a hotel tonight (totally not my idea of spending money) but I am sure we all needed it. Back on the road at 5 am headed to Mi.

precious days.

These last days with mom and dad here have been bitter sweet. I know all the kids need a break and to get back to their "normal" routines. I took them all to the parade with my great friend and her family and we did the midway, gibbys, then the parade. It was an awesome experience for all of us. Everyone was so great and patient. I guess my prayer was answered because it was a beutiful day and moment. Our kids were troopers and no complaining or fighting at that. I am sad to see the inlaws and gb go, these are the days I wish we lived in their back yard. Gb did wonderful with us while mom and dad had a sanity break. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I know where Gb belongs and its starting to settle in. I know everything happens for a reason and mom and dad are Gbs' everything. I hope this is a start of a new fun life with her trusting us enough to come visit in the summers more often. She is very mature and understanding of each childs situation. Here are some pics of what troopers my bunch was and how much fun we had. My girlfriend was the first person I have ever been able to hang with and help control all the situations no matter what came up. Khamille was a great big sister, as she helped the little ones deal with some of their issues during the parade. God please bless all these little ones as they have a long journey ahead of them that they will need your blessings along the way. My K is going with mom and dad back to NY for a few days, i am really nervous as she has never been away from me without me being there to call and come get, but i have faith that she will enjoy herself. Sad to see the precious moments disapear so quickly but happy to have had them....... I honestly wish my hubby enjoyed more time with us, but i guess what little time he can function he is perfect at it. I love my family and life and coudln't and wouldn't change it for the world. Here are some pics from the CF and our day out with the kids.....enjoy.

Embrace

The rest of the week will be fine, yes I am still having trouble with the way my hubby and others, including myself treat khamille, but she is having alot of trouble knowing shes the one with NO immediate family, except mommy. I have to sometimes realize she is only 9, still really a baby, shes just alot more advanced than most, and her size doesn't help u remember she is still little, only two more years older than gb, who is here visiting us on vacation. This has been a wonderful experience that not only am i thankful for, but i will embrace forever!!!! Its the most time I have gotten to spend with my inlaws since I married my husband, and the first time ever we have gotten to spend some "family" time with gb. Not that she isn't our family and we don't get to spend time with her, but it was all five of us last evening, and it was for joel and I to be able to just "see". She is my hubbys' biological daughter and I have cried alot to him as "WHY?" we can't have her.......its kinda a mixed up situation, no fault to my inlaws, but they have her now due to my hubbys stupidity and it almost wouldn't be fair to take her from what she now knows as her mother and father. BUT....it will be amazing if someday we can ease her into spending some time with us in the summers, not only to be with her, but to give mom and dad (inlaws) some time "off" so to speak. Let her see "our" life as we live it. The time we did share with her even though short made me realize she fits right in......*smiles* to the blended family life. No differant than the rest of the kids and their issues, as each one has their own, but definatly nice because she is in the middle of my youngest and middle child and she blends well with both of them on her own occasions. She clings to me more but it was really nice to see my hubby coexist with her. A wonderful time to EMBRACE!!!!!! a blessing and a prayer answered at the same time. Thank you god for trusting me with situations that you know I can handle, and giving me the strength and courage to understand and not be selfish. Prayers for the rest of the week as it will be hectic but I would really like to get some fun stuff in. We'll see. Oh and P.S........ we need a bigger vehichle.....lol, it was pretty funny to see all 6 of us in the ford taurus with two seats and our families size.....kinda looked like one of those little clown cars when we all piled out.

i love him and her, do i have to make a choice?

As i sit here in bed next to my husband i know I love him more than anything in the world. He is a kind, caring, considerate man whom I thought was in love with our family. This includes my children also. He really spends a good amount of time with them all so I guess thats why I am blogging tonight. I really want to just lay here and cry. Its really the first time I can't. It scares me. Am I really loosing my emotions? Am i really that mad that I can't cry? Am i scared to cry for he might wake up and say "great, what now?" Do i even have a reason to cry? What it is I don't know why???? I decided to put an issue on the table this evening for a few people to comment on because I am having a hard time dealing with it. It was important to me, but not to important to others. My daughter (boo)......she really has some instabilities that I cannot grasp. I tried talking to my hubby about it and got, "well hunny she is annoying, and i really don't want to deal with it." I could have said the same thing about him and my step-son about three years ago now but i didn't instead I devoted most of my time and energy to making sure they were insinc with the family. Lots of extra love and attention for them both to make them aware that in this family we love them unconditionally. Well here I am today in the same spot with my little girl. Is it that I pushed her aside to focus on them because I thought they(my girls) would wether the storm? Is it because I hate her dad so much and he isn't complying with what he "promised" her that is making her act out? Is it because all of a sudden my hubby agrees with the others that he is pushing her back out again? Is it just because she is overweight and overbearing that I can't deal with it? Is it because I am mad at myself for not being able to help and focus on just her? WHY WHY WHY???? I am so mad at my husband for answering the question that way and then saying, "hunny i am naked", like what i was trying to talk to him about was not important to him. I can't honestly believe him at this moment, he used to talk to me about issues I had with all the kids, he used to help me understand wether he agreed or not. Now all of a sudden its just, "shes helpless but I will deal with her because she is a part of our family." My mother in law was looking at a site with children who were adopted and then couldn't be handled by the adopted family, whom then are ending up sending the child back. I was so sad, but thought to myself, my baby girl needs a family to love her. I want someone to take her in their arms and tell her its gonna be alright. I do do this as much as I can, when I am not upset with her and I will never let her leave our family but what do i do? I am scared, I am hurt, I am angry. Why would my one true love, my supposidly best friend, the one i promised god i would love forever just push something so hard and hurtful to me aside like it was a situation that couldn't be fixed so why deal with it......... This is not like him and he hasn't really been himself latley anyways. I know its not cuz his family is here because it started before they got here. I don't feel loved and I don't feel like he really loves her. He has been great with the oldest and his son. Actually doing things with them he hasn't done before. I don't know if its to impress his parents or what, but whats the matter with boo. I realize she has alot of issues right now, god please show her that you love her and you will keep her safe through all this pain she is feeling. I wanna pick up the phone and just start screaming at her dad, he hasnt called, responded to her calls, trying to contact her or nothing in a week now. She is lonley without him I know that because when he is within her reach she knew she still had someone loving her unconditionally. I really do not like him right now. I can't do a damn thing about it and maybe thats why I am so mad.............I just want my husband to hold me like he used to and tell me its gonna be ok and that he loves me. He hasn't really done it in so long i am numb. I feel like its over, like he is getting ready to move on. I could be acting on feelings he shared with me along time ago, that he wasnt good at loving someone for more than three years or so because he likes change. This scares me also, because its part of his seperation situation with his adoption and also his "bipolar issue" that makes him not be able to stay on the same thing for to long. I am going to pray now that the tears are running down my face, maybe thats gods way of telling me its going to be o.k. I am crying and I want someone to hold me sooo bad. This is probably not making sense to most because right now I can't even read the screen let alone know that what I have been typing is even making sense. Please say a prayer for me, goodnight.

Happy/Sad endings

Home again....took my boo (middle child) to the fireworks tonight to meet a friend and her daughter. I was expecting and planning on my hubby being with us, this will make the second 4th I haven't spent "well" with him. He isn't much for the crowds and stuff which has always put me on the spot wether to do the things i know i can do for my children or make my hubby happy. He was tired so I just let him sleep. The happy part to that was spending time with boo, she really enjoyed some just her and I time and we really made it simple, then to our suprise her sister, my oldest called and said she wanted to be with us, so she walked down and sat with us. My girls and I....couldn't ask for a better time, other than the boys being with me. That was just the sad part, I haven't seen fireworks and had my hubby holding me (romantic thing) in a few years. Is it because we are so differant? Not going to stress it, we have talked about all that I do for him and with him, and all he doesn't really "want" to do that I enjoy, so I will leave it at a disapointment, but nothing I am not used to now. He really doesn't enjoy alot of family stuff with all of us, but he tries and thats all I can ask. Tonight was possably a blessing, no stress at all and I enjoyed my beautiful time with my two wonderful girls. God has blessed me with girls who luv luv their mom so I enjoyed every second with them both.
Sometimes with my hubby I feel like my feelings arn't as important, but I am pretty sure he loves me so............i have to believe. i guess him being tired and wanting to sleep is a major thing so i let him do it, BUT, i also feel that I get no sleep cuz i am constantly doing stuff and then thinking stuff and then letting him sleep in to get up with our son at 5 am. I try to tell him alot of "normal" people function on minimal sleep because its a huge job to take care of a family. But i must have been put here to take his slack or pick up his part if he is tired. We will just have to keep trying to feel it out. I think the thing that scares me most is he really doesn't want to enjoy family time unless its a have to. I am totally family oriented so we contrast there, but I love him so I am dealing with it. Someday maybe he will enjoy our family as a whole. He really is taking baby steps for the children in the right direction so I consider myself lucky to have him attempting. Love is a hard thing for me to believe in due to MY immediate family so I think I will always want him there and its probably selfish. Another work in progress for me. I just hope he doesn't fall out of love with me because of our differant feelings about "normal". I also love and respect his family so I am webbed into his web for sure. God knows I am here for the long hall.
I have asked my mother in law to let me have a few hours for just me and gb (grand baby/joels bio daughter ) and she seemed to be ok with it, i just want her to know I want to be there for marissa too and that i love her like the rest of my kids. Anyways I am very content with spending some fun with my daughters, just really missed spending time with my hubby for the holiday. Say a prayer for tomorrow, I am planning a family trip to the dunes, almost another sure craziness, but I myself am going to watch myself and my attitude and try to make the best of it. Just really really missin some lovin from my hubby, hopin someday he will want to do this family stuff more. Tomorrow is never promised to us so I am just glad he is laying in bed sleeping next to me for tonight. One day at a time, and alot of soul searching for myself.

4th of July, Still learning.

WOW..... evidentally my upbringing puts alot of stress on my mothering and my feelings. My mother-inlaw, aunt and I took kids to blue angels this afternoon. I got up and packed stuff up for seven, coolers, toys, towels, suits, and extra stuff needed for that many. My parents always taught me that if we are going to something big be prepared to enjoy it, deal with it, and stay through it. I know now I might have high expectations of my children that should not be. I found a spot for all of us, half shade, half sun and let the kids run and enjoy the beach. My son became bored because I wouldn't let him go off without supervision, my teenager was wanting to leave and go with friends, and my middle daughter wanted to stay and watch. Three differant situations. Not to mention I was trying to "please and enjoy" my mother-inlaw, aunt and gb. To my suprise before the show started I was packing up and leaving. Yes I became very annoyed which is something I need to work very hard at NOT doing. I have a hard time understanding why my hard work can't just be appreciated instead of torn into pieces. I think its those damn expectations again of just hoping that EVERYONE will be happy. Of course in the end when we all got home everyone was pretty fine with it all. HMMMM, just me? I decided to go for a little drive to let myself calm down for a minute and came back two hours later to "normal" again. If there is such a thing. I would love to continue doing things for my family to enjoy but why is it we are all into enjoying differant things. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make them all appreciate things. HAHA, right? I am sure someday it will all come back around, at least I know I grew up and realized that my mom did the best she could with what she had, and I now appreciate the little things in life instead of wanting wanting wanting........ I explained to my mother-inlaw I was sorry. In the back of my head I was thinking her favorite saying..."so this is life." I am going to continue on my evening and see what happens. Going to pray about expectations and see what god gives me on that one. Still searching for an answer to that. I really need to find an alternative to expecting everyone to be happy with the way I do things and the simple stuff. I am a lover not a fighter and I really need to stop and breathe for a minute. My mother in law thinks I should retake english 101 so I can figure out how to express my true feelings instead of what I think people want to hear.......wow will that be a hard one considering I never got to have an opinion in my family growing up. One more thing to change about Angie. Who is Angie??????

life is.......or is it?

Its an enjoyable weekend, just started i guess, lots of venting to do but mainly keepin in all inside, cuz i don't know if i know the differance between bitching or hurting peoples feelings. I know this is suppose to be MY blog but i have always tried to live by the motto do unto others as you would like done to you. Its 6:30 am on sat and I am up, unwillingly of course but its starting to feel like this is what i signed up for. My girls K and K believe in not walking the beast....lol. I really don't ever sleep sleep in, usually no later than 7:30 or so but since my wonderful son will NOT wake up his dad I am usually up at around 6ish with the "MOMMY can i have cereal?" I am still trying to teach him the concept of at least waiting till the sun is up but hes not interested, actually anytime if he is up, its mom too. I can't complain to much because I am glad he is here and not in saginaw, so I just get up while my husband sleeps and do the mommy thing. My daily routine seems to be get up fix hubbys lunch which I haven't decided wether is a waste or not, but he works so hard and i want him to have it if he needs it, but when he comes home at night with it still fully intact in his bag I feel ......(can't explain that feeling yet). Then its send him out the door, get the kids breakfast, or somewhat....get ready to go clean houses.....come home about 1 or 2, clean this hurricane of a house a little from the morning.....get into another set of work clothes and head to the candy shop (part time job I took to help cover child support we are NOT getting from the kids co-parents) and then home by 7 to get dinner, clean up again, and give whats left of me to my children if i can tolerate myself. KEYWORDS....."if i can tolerate myself". Oh did I mention in between all of that I have appts for both the littlest ones, and errands of all sorts to run, definate time that my hubby NEEDS me to keep him grounded, plus keeping the craziness down between all three of the kids at all times cuz they love to argue about EVERYTHING, and there is more but no need, I am sure their are plenty of other mothers doing just the same routine, if not more. I sometimes get angry when I try to complain or vent to my hubby and he is always "one uping me", ex: you should try doing my landscaping job, or my day sucks too hunny, or at least you don't have to work full time. UGHHH, its almost to the point where i wanna say, are you kidding me???? i feel like i work ten jobs and i sleep maybe 4 hours a night between EVERYTHING in my head and then my sweet son in the wee hours of the morning, usually right when i fall asleep is waking up. I prob won't last like this forever and thats the scary part. I just know i am working myself to the bone and my brain is pretty fried to. I sometimes find myself screaming at the kids just out of frustration. My poor babies. The only thing i really was trying to work on for myself was jogging but now evidently my husband is putting a stop to that because he doesn't think its fair that i am loosing weight. God grant me the serenity to except the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the differance. Wow, maybe i could vent to this blog ALOT!!!! sorry to the followers, my life is really a blessing and I do take it at just that, but damn sometimes i get a little frustrated with all this juggling and no help literally at all!!!!!!!

About us........

I am a women now, wow, that sounds scary, I own my own cleaning business and have a part time job on top of that to make sure our family needs are met. I love to LOVE and pretty much wear my heart on my forhead for anyone to pick at. I at one time weighed in at 400 pds but have lost 230 pds in the past 3 years along with two years of stabilizing, all of which I did on my own, no surgeries, just alot of my three w's ....willpower, walking, and water. I have parents who live in the same town but whom I don't understand, but try to deal with. I am the oldest of three siblings, two brothers whom are 31 (j) and 23 (d). My mother is a functioning alchoholic of many many years, but has done her best in raising us with what she knew and had. My father is a work aholic and I see him rarely as I think I became the blk sheep in the family. (well to them anyway). I have been on my own since I was 18 and pregnant with my first daughter (punk, nickname because of punky brewster and her vary unique individuality). Her father left us when I was 3 months pregnant and hasn't really looked back but for a few minutes here and there only when it is convienent for him. I also have another daughter whom I had when I was 25 (boo, nickname cuz she has always been my baby boo). Her father and I were together for 6 very long years of good and bad times, but mostly way to unstable for what i was "looking for" to be happy in life. I have had a very stressful life for the most part until now, but thats where the story really should start, "my future". Not trying to dwell on the past mistakes I have made or been through, as these are no longer excuses, I look at them as strengths. I am now very happily married to the LOVE of my life, my hubby and we have full custody of my last but not least blessing (x, whos nickname is twar, given to him by my little bro (d). I have been married since 2008 and have had custody of my step-son since 2007. The blended family was a serious issue in the begining but we are ALL working on that one day at a time. To my suprise it is pretty "normal" if there is such a thing. I definatly need this blog to vent and am going to use it for that and hopefully for getting advice and helpful hints when the going gets tough. Also to share the wonderful things I have learned by living the life I have lived. Dealing with my childrens co-parents who are definatly not very functionable has been the biggest issue in our family life. My teenagers father is a business owner and remarried to someone whom I cannot be on the same page with at all. He plays no part in her life which always seems to find her looking for that fatherly love in all the wrong places. My boo's father is emotionally scarred in many ways and most of which reflects back onto my baby girl wether I want it to or not, which has made her an emotional eater and put her into the obesity category for sure. And last but not least my twars' bio-mother whom is absolutly "looney" as my mother in law states, which sums it up pretty good. He has had the worst of the hits from life already as he has been sexually abused while in his bios' care and still remains to have to return due to the court order that we can't seem to beat. To add to that mess she is still "in love" with my husband and truley despises me for becoming my step-sons saftey net. He calls me mom and her by her name which was his own choice since we have had him since he was 1 1/2. My husband is a wonderful man who was adopted at birth by wonderful parents and whom play a major role in our lives......THANK GOD!!!! I know, sounds pretty harmless right??? Until you walk a day in my shoes. Each day it seems stable here is another day that I am sure we will take a few steps back in order to move foward.

Scared and Happy

Well here goes nothing, I am trying this out because I see so many people being able to express their feelings, like a journal with feedback. I am excited, scared, and interested in this blogging idea so I am going to see how it goes, can't be that bad to finally know there are other people out there who care and understand, and can somewhat feel my feelings.
The title of this blog is truely what I am feeling and have felt for a long time. Please pray that this is serenity for me in some ways, including my beliefs in god.