OMG

OMG OMG OMG, i don't find myself saying Gods' name in vain often but today is a different day.  I am passed the unconditional stage now.  I know I love my family and all it gives me unconditionally.  I get up when I am in pain, I love when I have no more love to give, I hope when I find no more hope, and I cry when I cant find anymore tears.  I am still here though.  God has a great way of showing me things will be ok.  Might not be the way I want them to be but they will be what I need.  I assumed this position almost 6 years ago now.  I came in with my eyes closed so tight I probably couldn't squint, but now I am all EYES open.  I have been living a small lie for awhile and trying to live my dreams forever, notice I say MY when what I really need to be doing is living through god and how he wants us to live.  I had a grasp on that for awhile but could have slipped through some more small cracks in life.  I also didn't realize I was living with a lie.  My husband, the man of my dreams, the love of my life, my lover, and my friend is in fact BIPOLAR.  I think a better word for it should be misunderstood.  There are alot of things in life that have to go through this thick skull of mine but this not being the most important for such a long time because of ME.  Well shame on me, cuz now I have a mess.  I am vunerable and my husband knows this very well.  However I wasn't aware that you can use this stuff against people.  Better put, I wasn't aware that people so close to my heart could step on it.  I wasn't aware of the tactics that they use, I wasn't going to believe that I couldn't fix it without that unconditional LOVE.  Wow has god opened my eyes to a NO CONTROL situation.  I can't fix this, I have no control over it, I have to do whats right by my husband and believe that this is gods will and he will see me through my husbands sickness.  I love my children enough to see them through this so why can't I see myself through this.  I am now going to beg my MIL to let me listen or read some of those stories, I am going to beg my FIL to tell me again how many sons he has, and I am going to listen to my damn head and not my heart for one sec and take care of this huge rock in my way.  My family is hard to explain or explain anything to so I will have to work on them later.  While at the ER last night the doc pulled me aside to ask me "if" i have been paying attention to my husbands injuries.  He probably thought I was ignorant but I started laughing because as long as I have been with my hubby he is injuring himself.  Then he said there was a pattern. ?????? Now the look in my eyes was enough for the doc to ask me to sit down for a sec.  Probably thought I was going to pass out.  Just a little for me to take in when a doctor pulls u aside.  Still pondering and going over the paperwork but ............. he was right and the steps that we talked about after that were even better.  There is a god and I today am thankful that my hubby isn't smart enough to put the dates on things or pay attention to paperwork or money.  Never thought I would say this because of the situation with our lives normally but who said anything about normal when i said I DO.  GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE AND THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN.  :)

Unconditional Love

Today I am thinking about unconditional love........... is God the only one that can do this???  I am trying to keep the peace in a house full of different minds.  It is amazing to actually watch these children and my husband interact, but I am so depressed about the lying.  Years of lying to myself and my children has me hating the fact that my husband can do it so well.  I know and have been reading ALOT on bi-polar and want to stabalize him.  Called the doctor this week for the shot that MIL told me about and OUR doc, in Traverse City is not even familiar with the proper dosage and if our insurance will pay for it.  I dropped off a copy of some google work I did on the shot after MIL told me to, its something that would work for my husband but will it take away the LIES???  Doubtfully I sit in our bed, hearing little and BIG footsteps upstairs.  I love them all unconditionally.  I decided to make this short and sweet.  I love unconditionally, like God, like I was taught.  maybe its the generation gaps, maybe its the bi-polar, maybe its just the fact that they are looking to love unconditionally and were never taught.  Sad thing about it is he believes his own lies and gets caught up in them.  Yesterday X had a fieldtrip and he came home with the story of a BAD day, I talked to his teacher last night and he had a fine day.  After he was in bed and still crying I asked him why he lied, and if he had a good day that he should always share both..........he said DAD does it and it gets you to talk to him, so I wanted U to talk to me.................UGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I want to scream, cry, hold him tight, never let them go.  My girls are good at lying too, I will not disclude them BUT at least when they lie its to get them out of trouble.  Whats with the lying to get attention and negative attention at that?  Today I will teach X that he can ASK for my attention and I will GIVE it to him.  One step at a time. One day at a time.  I am all alone and this is scary for me, but its something I can handle.  I married this man and I love him UNCONDITONALLY!!!!  I love them ALL, the whole family, mine and his, our children, our life, our jobs...........GOD!!!!

Feelings

Im writing here again because I am super lost in this world, not knowing what you should be here for sometimes screws me up.  Its Saturday and I have RSVP'd my family to the "FAMILY SUB PICNIC".  I just woke up to start getting ready and K(older) says she is going with her gma and her cousins for the day, this leaving X and lil K out, which is nothing new but hurts my feelings.  My family is sincerly screwed up anyways, add my outside family into it and its a disaster waiting to happen.  My hubby is getting ready to go frisbee golfing with friends and taking X (who has been grounded two weekends in a row) with him.  Makes no sense.  Not to mention, my hubby is the one who wanted to be apart of this "sub" stuff which is why he took my dog to the pound :( this in which he completly lied about).  Add in the fact that they all left with me just laying in my wrap no help and noone to ask how are you feeling?  I guess I get ready and go to the thing by myself........this is "weird" to me, it always seems when the going gets tough my hubby skips out.  He was an amazing caretaker when I was not able to even care for myself but not without cussing and throwing stuff at me, along with the name calling.  But all the decietful lies about the money and the fact that he was making the deposits for me hurts too because it shows I can't control the situation.  I'm just scared, first with the in-laws helping with the banking this shows them we can't be responsable, but when I am doing the banking things are better.  They still believe I am trying to live outside of my means.  I'm not going to say I have never because I am a grown women who has taken care of my own way before my husband came into the picture and was able to do it, maybe not perfect.  Government assistance was used but when you take care of children whos' fathers' don't want to be in their lives you do what you have to to survive.  Lost because I don't know where to start.......the feelings I have for my children are deeper than my emotions for my self, and i am always trying to make my hubby happy which is impossable for the most part.  Making myself happy would be fine but I am a caretaker, i just want everyone else to stay happy, now I guess they are all happy and its pretty much leaving me to do all the shit work, this hurts my feelings :( what is family time, why do we, well I, try to hard to have it.  Is this love, cuz if it is my feelings are hurt :( but i know i am suppose to count my blessings, so right now I am blessed to have the family i do and that they are all healthy.  thank god.

its been awhile

My life has been through alot of ups and downs latley.  I am hoping god is looking at my morals and values and knowing i am in love with my life and my family.  I just had an abdominal surgery 5 weeks ago and have been healing from that.  Through this surgery I wasn't aware god would show me yet more things to think about.  My son is in a bad way needing individualized attention and since my surgery has been totally off his schedule.  I am feeling sad that I have to go back to work and don't have a "vacation" to get the group back together.  With that being said, I am blessed to have had the surgery I had, I am sad my arms are still in pain and that surgery was denied (so far).  I am sad my middle daughter is still having weight issues and does not "care or realize" its hurting her.  I am fortunate that no matter how spoiled my teenager is she is still making it through life with little help from her mother and NO interaction from her father.  I was not thinking when I blended this family.  But I love this family and with all my might I will fight to keep us together.  I am very fortunate that my inlaws are taking care of our financial issues so that we are not living in a box since both my husband and I have $$$ issues all the way around.  I wanna start back on my walking but I am so sore, I didn't realize I would be set this far back from this surgery but it was much needed for my health.  I am sitting down thinking and looking at all the piles that stacked up of paperwork I have to do, so I should start there........................need a hug.

the day after.....

I am thankful today for today, thankful I am done working already, thankful I didn't have the money to even think about battling the friday crowds :) Life is throwing some major curve balls at me but I am handling them as they come and dealing with my feelings after the situation is over. If there is something I have been learning in a blended family its to leave your feelings out of it until the situation is resolved. The friends god has chosen to place in my life at this time make my life seem so simple, thanking god for showing me life isn't as major as I make it out to be. I tend to overannalize situations and it makes them way more messy than need be. Just leaving well enough alone and working on life with my kids and hubby. I love god and his ways, sometimes they just scare me into believing life is suppose to be different. I am happily married to the man of my dreams and have three beautiful children and wonderful family and friends surrounding me. Feeling blessed today. Trying to avoid thinking about the pain and my upcomming surgery and what might happen when i can't work. Praying :)

thankful Nov 19....

Today I am thankful for being alive, feeling emotions, and breathing deeply when i want to punch someone in the face. Wondering if this is something I should or shouldn't be thankful for? :) My son is gone for a week, please say a prayer that he stays safe. The situation with his bimbo is never safe but my hubby chose that one for him so its out of my control. I am also thankful that my hubby is rationalizing things out to the best of his ability and still loves me after I make him think and analyze things so deeply. I am also thankful that my MIL still has time to address our family issues when she is given such a heavy plate of her own. Thank you god for another day of ins and outs.

another "thankful" day in november....

today i am thankful for my children, no matter what happens there is always something i can pick out of the three of them that i taught them, that makes me a proud parent. considering they all three have very difficult other parents that have major affects on them at different times in their lives. bless their hearts for "dealing" with each situation however they can.

thankful november

Today is going to be better, I am thankful for my life. My children, my husband, my inlaws, and even my disfunctional immediate family. We all have issues and they are for god to judge. Letting go and letting god is one of the hardest things i think i have ever done besides raise children :) but to my suprise its going to be o.k. I am seriously considering calling off thanksgiving because we just can't afford the dinner, maybe take the kids to a free food hall and let them see just how thankful we should be for what we have. Just thoughts today, no actions. p.s. Thank you MIL for talking to hubby, he is a little better today. I love you. I love me too, bet noone would ever thunk that one to come out of my mouth. Thank god!!!!

Change......

Tonight is too tough to start blogging about.....Tomorrow is a new day, and in this new day I will now start blogging as my hobby, daily for ME. I am still going to excersize just maybe at a differant angle, I am going to take the time to do positive thoughts, negative and venting is nice, but who needs it. I have enough with my "blended family", bless there differant stages in life :) Besides.....think positive and it should be, right??? The love and get love back isn't really working with my angry feeling family. Maybe with the people around me, but I haven't been giving all the love I should to them because I am so consumed with trying to love my "blended family". So to copy my MIL, because she is honestly a great person and I love her values on life, I am going to have a thankful and positive rest of November, one month at a time...lol. P.S ... i really can't wait to meet my new nephew, at least my sister in law would appreciate someone wanting to love my nephew. Today I am blessed I have in laws that love more than my own family. This might be why I am such a needy lovey clingy person??? (due to my family and the respect that doesn't exist.) hmmm, thinking and gonna pray :)

He loves me, he loves me not....

Here i sit, after taking kids to school and sending my husband off to work.......wondering?!?! What do i do, i have exhausted myself to make this family happy, i have even added a little bit of happiness to my life by excersizing, this doesn't seem to be helping. Things only are getting worse. I am nagging and bitching at the kids, I am arguing with my husband to the point that today he told me to get some more "pills". this hurts me, i hurt, i have been crying for the past two days and i can't even do that anymore. His actions are all there, but he knows how to act to cover his feelings, he is a smart man. I feel in my heart that he is not "into" US anymore. I am praying everyday that god help me deal with this so that our family can get back on track. I know you can't make people love you and its getting close to his track of timing that he gets bored. I want love. I want life. I want happiness but can't grasp any of it at this moment. I have been told to go to church a few times, but try and get told we are to busy by my husband. I try to respect his feelings and seem to be failing at that too. I feel like a failure but yet i feel like i am doing EVERYTHING i can as a mother and wife....kinda confused. money is a part of it, and i am always screaming that we didn't have these kids by ourselves so why are we doing it by ourselves, i can handle the emotional part of it if the money part of it wasn't so stressful. It seems like everytime i get ahead something comes up that takes me back financially. My husbands simple answer to this is i will ask my parents. well being a parent and a person with pride, i don't ever ask his parents unless its a HAVE to situation. I know we can do it. We have functioned pretty well for the past three years. This is however the first time I have worked a full time and a part time job, and i feel like we are slipping further and further away from our goals. HOW????? I really am so angry today I can't even blog, i think i am going to read my bible and ask god to show me the way. I just need some insight on our lives and i don't know who to talk to anymore. plz god fix my situation so i can better this family and feel loved. I feel like a walking time bomb and that isn't helping anything. I am making a decision to go off all my medicane and going to do it to see if maybe some of the side effects are interacting with the way my life is going. help help help.....................................i love him more than life and i love these kids more than that. i just guess i don't know what to do anymore. i need guidance. but most important i need my husband to love me again. stress is a horrible thing and how do you get rid of it. how do i make everyone happy when i am pretty happy with myself. it is usually always like this in my life, when i do something for me the whole house falls apart in front of my face. i am at the give up point and i don't know what to do. i promised before god that i would be with this man forever and i have alot of things that say I will, but what am i doing to make him so unhappy. what do i do to change it, what do i do to be less stressed, what do i do to make my family whole again??????

If u can't say anything nice....don't talk.

Prime example of how i feel right now. I haven't blogged in awhile because really haven't had time to think let alone write it down. Why today??? I decided i shouldn't be talking today because anything that comes out of my mouth isn't going to be nice. I am literally fed up with alot of shit and don't know how to address the amount of issues I have on my plate. I know I am blessed to have what I do have and I thank god for that almost everyday. Its just days like this that I should probably keep my mouth shut!!!! So venting........ I have held this family down to the best of my ability since I entered into it. I have been blessed to have enough business until now to get us through with my husbands income/unemployment, because of the economy my business slowed down so what do I do, go and get a few more side jobs and another part time job. This is fine with me, other than I have NO control over what is going on at home. I usually get 10 or so phone calls a day asking what to do or screaming he/she isn't listening to me, etc etc.... This i figure is normal since the kids are not used to dad being at home instead of mom. I totally had alot of faith in my husband to be able to do this because he is so good with the kids when they need it. Guess my expectations got the best of me AGAIN. He is maintaining which is more than I could ask for at this moment, so this is life. My issues are getting harder to not have control of though. X isn't doing well in school at all, I have no time to address the school and my husband won't even make a call, besides this is his baby so what could he possably be doing that is that bad. HAHA!!!! just for example he told his dad he had a bad day today but "forgot" to tell him he put his hands on another student AGAIN. When i got home he was playing and khamille was begging for someone to play basketball with her and kaylee was in her room. Typical stuff, just to much to handle for one person who is just getting used to all this, I do really understand. What I don't understand is the shit that comes out of his mouth when he is angry and the way he handles all the kids inconsistantly. He is under the assumption that all the kids should have the same punishments. They are all totally differant ages and going thru totally differant stuff, this is one of the places I disagree, but have been dealing because something is better than nothing at all, and i have had that before too.
I have been having some issues with trying to get through to him that the car is not functioning right and I get, then go get it looked at.....lol......somewhere in my free time (haha) I did find time to have them tell me its a more serious problem and I can't afford to fix it right now. This is hard because my husband is court ordered eosunday to make a 300 mile trip to pick up "our" son from his birth vessal. I asked him to call the courts and in his version I got....." they said there is nothing i can do about it, if she misses a visit because of us, he goes to jail." My response was than maybe thats what should happen to get someones attention. He had a good point, that if this happens the birth vessal may retaliate and take X while he is in jail. True, so i just said fine drive the car and if it gets stuck in saginaw then we just deal with it. Life goes on. Funny though, he wouldn't even attempt to talk to her and try to negotiate something, he feels like its useless but always tells me he will, its just to get me to shut my mouth though (his words). O.k. so I gave him that issue and said I am not going to be the middle person anymore. Now on to the next..... (still venting).... while playing basketball with khamille something happened that my husband only seen some of it and we had three differant versions. Suprise!!! So i gently asked why wasn't anything done about the situation. His response .. "this is f-ing ridiculous." I said well if your not happy and this is stupid then you know what you have to do. His response, " then go get the papers." So because he is stressed and I am stressed his easy way out is a divorce???? A little dramatic if you ask me, until he then got back in the middle of the first issue and told khamille to get her fat a-- up and finsih playing. She proceeded to cry and flip out and well....the whole damn family was throwing temper tantrums. wow, not sure how or why, but pretty sure its the stress of him having NO control over his sons issues. I don't really have anyone to talk to about all this so I am venting. I am sick of my life being whatever makes everyone else happy. I disagree with alot but always try to talk it through with him. Wish he would be able to do the same, just going to realize that its not going to work out that way, he is a very unreasonable person to begin with and doesn't take change very well at all. What a mess!!!!! I didn't respond well to any of it nor do i even know how without saying something that may hurt someone.....so gonna keep it inside and pray. My main problem is I am having a hard time believing nothing can be done about alot of these situations when i got alot done last year, just had to do alot of communicating and appointments, both of which again my husband doesn't like to do. Lord please help my children deal with this change, and show my husband that communication (in pleasant words) is the key. My oldest daughter, whom is very spoiled and oppionated, but has been through alot and makes very sensable points and decisions said......"mom, i sometimes wish you were single and rich" then at least the simple things in life you could have and you wouldn't always be worrying about someone else's issues." I told her if i was rich i would probably give to the community and that I am married so single is out of the question. her response, "then i just wish you were happy." I am blessed in many more ways than I allow to see.....sometimes our blessings are in the SMALL STUFF!!!!!!!

Sadness

I am awake and its like 2am, not suprising considering my schedule and responsabilities I have going on. Not mad, just sad.........I have been doing ALOT latley almost to the point that A: I have only been working out every other day, B: I rarley get an hour with my family at night and the hour I get in the morning is rushing around getting them ready, C: I seem to have the mother theresa syndrome right now (LOL) not suprising cuz most of my friends come to me for advice or to vent because they feel I am "strong" anyways, but tiring when your the listener and don't get alot of time to vent. Just life I am sure. I am happy in my marraige, actually since my MIL reminded me of her parents anniversary I have been looking at my marraige and respecting it in a more special way. So if all this is going on then why do I feel sad. I have been working really hard to get back into a little bit of shape latley. Happy with my self also to be a role model for the kids...(backfiring)....not suprised. :) Knowing deep in my heart my husband has always been attracked to "thick" women, I still decided I wanted to be healthier for myself and have done just that. Not major I didn't think but I laid down with my hubby tonight to relax finally at like 1130pm and gently said your not happy with me right now being "thinner" are you? The answer was close to what my heart has been feeling but to my suprise he was pretty honest and just said NO hunny, I don't like how your body looks. No, "I mean, your beautiful, just thinner than my liking." or nothing. Just NO!!!! also with a "especially your butt and hips." Lots of tears will not stop running down my cheeks while he is sound asleep next to me. Just sad. I don't believe he would leave me, but to have the one person whom you have always wanted to please, outside myself, be unhappy with the way I look isn't making sense, and to have worked so hard and be so "pleased" with my self for once. I am confused, do I gain it back so I don't loose him or feel like he is looking at me like I am gross, especially when his actions are close to the same as his feelings. He continues to say if he had the money he would fix it for me, but I know he means well for my inner feelings too, but it just hurts I suppose to feel like an eyesore to the love of my life. Something to add to the plate of issues I have right now. Bills are never going to get paid, as hard as I am working nothing is getting done around the house that needs it, my kids miss me, i miss my hubby and the kids, but am continuing to stay strong and making sure I count my blessings carefully each day. Sadness is hard for me to handle because I have so much more important things to deal with right now. I almost feel selfish to even be thinking about it when the kids need all my thoughts to get through each day.....guess thats why I can't sleep tonight, gonna be a LONG day tomorrow as I am going to clean two houses then work all evening. Guess this is the thing called "living the family dream." I am going to finish crying just needed a place to vent, not sure what to do or think right now. Praying tonight for peace in my heart. God will watch over my marriage and do with it whatever should be done, but giving this one to god is going to be something HARD for me to do. I believe in my husband, I love him, I would do anything to make him happy, but I was sure that included me being happy too. Sadness hurts......my heart feels achy. Guess I will try and sleep and hoping this will not effect my mood in 4 hours when I have to get up and send the kids off to school. I can't be mad because he was honest. I have always asked him to please at least give me that in our lives. God I am trying to smile but my sadness is overwhelming tonight. Goodnight.

just when u think.......

I am not even sure where to start this one off at.....my life is full of some serious stuff in a not so serious way right now. I am sick, god help me and the family for when this happens life goes crazy, noone in the house can figure out what or how to do things. This is when i usually try to let the girls go somewhere because my hubby gets all frustrated with to many tasks, then i in turn get frustrated with him because this is stuff i do every day without batting an eye, and i always wonder why he can't seem to grasp it all and do what i do. No questions or answers for that one other than he is MALE. (giggle). Its just a tooth issue so i hope it won't last to long as i only have a few down days that i can even take. Getting better as I had to have them pulled and now they say dentures at 36...wow....what a mess, and another cost we have NO money for. My hubby got laid off so I am picking up some hours at a store and working my houses too, no telling what this school year will bring with my hubby doing some of the school stuff. Pray for us please. Missing my family in NY and trying to cope with what little family I have here. Finding out that my heart is on my sleeve and I have NO backbone to support it. Damn this is a hard lesson to learn. I think I have attempted to learn it for awhile now, and god will continue to test me while I fail misserably. Praying for that one too :) No luck on a church yet but haven't really had time for that. Finding out that real friends are hard to come by and trying to understand why my blood family is so out of control. I have been counting my blessings and always will, noone is dying and life is just at a hectic point. I am usually good at managing money and getting the kids what they need but how do you do it with no money. By the grace of god I think. Loosing my faith in myself because all my actions are turning into disasters. Haven't stayed in complete contact with my mother in law as she is super stressed and busy herself. Oh how i remember the days i talked to her for hours and felt soooooo relieved. I am hoping my girls don't end up making all these silly mistakes I have made by opening my heart to everyone, but unfortunatly I am sure they are both on the same path. Never would have thought kindness would be a path of destruction. I am pretty sure its time to clean out my closet but not sure where or how to start, i don't have any idea how to be mean. O.k. so I have a idea but can't stick to it. Life is just that at the moment.......LIFE. thankful i got a day away and enjoyed some great memories with my little bro as it was probably a once in a lifetime oppurtunity cuz he isn't always "here" either. I am good with all the faith god has put in me to keep this family I have a float but I wish he would put some faith in others to be kind and considerate for what I have been doing. praying today. p.s. my son is home now so that eases alot of thoughts, and both kids have done two progressive councelor appts. I love the new person they are seeing as she is opening my eyes to new ideas as to why these things are going on in their lives.

God........

Someone told me today that i need to look to god for some answers. I thought i had been but apparently I am not getting the answers that are coming to me. I love my hubby, children, and family more than life itself. God is who i answer to for the most part, maybe owe him a little more appreciation........going to find a church to attend wether the family comes or not. I am so lost with this god thing, can't grasp whats reality and what i should give to god. Miss my son to death and am so worried about him. My girls are going through a major tribulation at this moment and i feel they will make it. I just have a heart and no back bone. I know this and pretty sure its what gets in my way of a lot of happiness in my life. As far as I am concerned I am more than blessed to have what i have, i will never take it for granted. I am learning to love my lil girl in a differant way, which seems to be getting me somewhere with her. NO more focusing on her weight, not gonna do it. I was 30 years old or so when i started this weight loss journey and wouldn't trade it for the world, prior to that i just wasn't ready I guess. Actually now that i look back on it, kinda glad i was a big girl, if i had all the attention i get now i would have probably not known how to handle it. Now i am happily married and have a beautiful family to love. Please send her a prayer for this is going to be a long struggle for her and she will have to make sure she deals with it, all this nagging is getting me nowhere so new approach her i come. Gotta get my hubby regulated somehow.....but progress is better than landslides so i really don't have to much to complain about. I have some guest staying with me right now and what doesn't break me can only make me stronger. We as a family have decided to set a date so they all know when they can have their space back. Please pray for those who have no ambition to move foward. God will take care of this right???? Just counting my blessings today and realizing I have a ton!!! thank you god for showing me the right path to take. I love you.

HELP!!!!

Never in my life did I think i was going to be to the point with my children where I would need help, well of course we all need help and there are struggles, but this one is to the extreme. X, we can deal with, we know the cause and effect of what life in saginaw is for him and its just something out of our control, especially in the summer when its two weeks on two weeks off, but he leaves a big boy and comes home crying over everything and absolutly throwing a fit like a two year old. We understand its what goes on down there and that we just have to pattern him back to reality. My teenager, is well just that still, a teen......mouthy sometimes, knows it ALL, and not very helpful but definatly doing more than she thinks is nescassary....typical. The middle child, Khamille is outta control. She is 9 and about 190 pds, i cannot get her to stop eating or thinking about food. Its almost like its a compulsive disease. Granted her father and I are both overweight and have never steered her properly I get that, I have gone to the extreme as to weigh out her food with her, show her whats proper to eat, and taken away almost all sweets in the house. Good for the whole family really, but khamille will continue to think, dream, lie, and abbuse this food issue. I literally have never seen someone eat as much as she does except for when i weighed in at 400pds. I am frustrated. I have no outlets because everyone says work with her, write it down, show her it can be done, give her options, etc etc etc....done it all, to the point where I can now say NO and she will out right say I don't love her and I am starving her to death, slam doors, scream mean things, throw fits...........its not at all healthy for any of us. I know she is lacking love.......crazy to say when i can love til i am blue in the face all of the children and anyone else who needs it. I try to do my best with her but its not going to be what she needs............she needs cuddled, hugged, picked up, all the things anyone elses normal 9 year old would want, but she either goes about it wrong or just plain doesn't get it. My husband was great with her for awhile, especially since he is the one who doesn't like to touch....he would hug her, even patting her on the back, which i thought, well now that i think about it is almost worse, cause it just doesn't seem like real love to her. I am at a complete stand still with her.............. counceling, jogging, sports, friends, clothes, done it all, nothing is good enough. Even mom time didn't work out, we totally butt heads and it just turns into a disapointment for her. Is there something i can do ?????? I love her sooo much!!!! I don't want to see her hurt anymore.

Life goes on....

Wow, somethings are just never left alone. I am hurting, but its normally probably a selfish feeling, probably is now too, but i haven't cried because of unhappiness in a long time. Today must have been the deal breaker. Lots of stuff going on and lots of harsh words flying around. This is not the way god wants us to act, as I am deep into reading the bible and have been for a few weeks now. Not in any special order just under each circumstance as my day moves foward. But in it it speaks alot of honesty and consideration. Not just to your family but to those around you. I have been achieving my goals, definatly slacking on the kids one for sure......damn i love them more than anything in this world, but why is it so hard to figure each one of them out and what then need and want, not to mention whats going on or what i am putting them through while learning also. but in the end just as I made my own choices no matter what my mom and dad told or did to me, they will make theirs. I can only guide them and lead by example. I feel i am the best mom that i can be with what i have, as well as is every other mother out there trying to meet their childrens needs, of course fathers too. I thank god everyday I have a wonderful husband who cares not just about his children but mine too. Speaking of his children. God please put a special ring around our GB for she is going through a "special" situation that needs your guidance. She is a precious little girl and I am happy for her to be content and happy in life. It is super hard on my hubby, but only in certain ways. He knows what he did was wrong but he also knows he did what he thought was right at the time. And she loves her mom and dad (my hubbys' parents.) cant take love away from a child unless they are in harms way. I have been practicing the sermon i listened to in NY, that of which god has a plan and we can't control his plan, we must be happy for what it is no matter what. And of course I am still practicing how to approach and talk to people without making situations into giant mountains. That one is super hard for me, but all i can do is strive to achieve the goals i have made for myself and my family. Being a nice person isn't always going to help me gain alot in life, but it does show god I respect what he has given me and I will make sure i appreciate him. Finding a church or a womens bible study is next on my list, but next isn't right around the corner with the list i have on the table. I wish our grandmothers were still here to help us through these times. Although i do consider the fact that i have some superior angels guiding and watching over me. Funny I am sitting here wondering why or who or even what to do and I just keep going back to trust god. Never in a million years did i think i would be to that point in my life. My sons birth mother called yesterday to tell him the news of her having a baby girl, he wasn't so happy about that considering he already has 3 sisters. She also stated that she was really wanting my husband to consider being a part in this childs life. I got kinda jealous for a moment, considering he has baby fever right now, but i know in my heart that we have alot to work for now, if another child would ever be in our future again it would be gods will. I think i really would like him to just be honest with her and tell her he doesn't really care, but i am not sure what it would accomplish anyways. People will make things in their heads whatever they want to make them. No control angie, no control.....gods will, gods will. I had a great day with my kids yesterday and they enjoyed most of their time with me. I spanked them both, totally not in my plan but honestly when it was all said and done they got the point, of course after a few bad names and a few u don't love me things..........i remember when my mother spanked me, it wasn't great then but the few times it happened i will remember and cherish forever. It made me see she meant business, and a spanking now and then doesn't mean beating them, just swattin them on there hinny. Kinda funny now that i look back at it, all of a sudden i seen a change in their attitudes. Wont be doing it on a daily but they are starting to realize who is in charge. And for now its NOT them. I have to keep on focusing on making them understand that i am doing all this out of love....tough love, and its probably one of the hardest things i have ever done in my life. Who would have thought raising children could be such a challenge.....lol. i love you all, family, friends, and even those enemies out there i have, i love them just as much for making me a stronger person in the end. Life will go on....

Life

Well back to the grind. Going to get my baby boy tomorrow, Khamille is needing a break from the house, and kaylee is out doing what she does best....hanging out. My hubby is sleeping in on his day off, thats all usual stuff really. I am just sitting here knowing how blessed I am but wondering what god has in store for me. My hubby is getting baby fever, scary shit....he wants us to adopt a baby that will be part of "us". Pretty sure X is just that, really since we have had him since he was 1.5, but he wants to balance our family.....lol. My first thought, we need a bigger car. O.k. well its already Monday.......shows u how much time and thought I get to blog. We have our son safe back at home. Khamille is still needing something?? (can't quite put my hands on it). Kaylee is still doing what she does best. My hubby is back to work. Miss him alot but he loves his job and works hard at it. On the note of children, I would love to add another to the family but as I was stating before, our car doesn't hold our family of five now without lots of bickering and arguing, financially we are dumping alot of money into this house and its not ours, its just rent, and last but not least TIME!!!! Will I ever find enough time for another? Just questions and thoughts i guess, cuz all this won't happen quickly but just the thought of having another child is well..........."unidentified" at this time.
I am really upset today with life in general. I have made a few decisions in my past that were not to impressive, not even to me as I look back on them. Also they have became patterns of my children now so I am kinda getting it back in my face, I guess thats what you call KARMA. I definatly believe in god, so I know all about what comes around goes around, etc etc..... I got home today to do the first thing I do when I have a spair minute, which is go straight to my bedroom and read my mother in laws blog. One it makes me happy to know whats going on in her day, two it helps me realize that whats on my plate isn't as much as I am making it out to be, three to get input and suggestions on life, as she has many years dealing with all this stuff that I don't. I got to my computer today to find something aweful out. I read in it that her DIL, which is me stated something about something in a conversation that turned their situation into a mess. HAHA, not funny at all, actually just the opposite. I took a deep breath and called my hubby to start yelling at him. When he answered I simply told him I loved him and that I needed to make a phone call, i would call him back. Why yell at him about something that he has no control over. So i picked up the phone and called my mother in law. I explained to her that I had nothing to do with what was said, but that I did say at one point that I was upset at my husband for his decisions with his daughter and her situation. Alot of this went on before I was around so I don't have alot of control over it now, it makes no sense for me to jump into it so late in the game. This being something I just decided over the past month with all the interaction we have had with his family. I then called my husband and explained to him what happened but that my mother in law said she believed me. Which if the situation was played out before the blame was given all would have known that A: I was too busy making sure my sis in law was happy, B: I was sick sick and trying to feel better in between, and C: I was already plenty anxified over who was at the baby shower to even think about Alot of anything. Let alone worry about something that wasn't even on the table for discussion as far as I knew at that point. Anyways, my hubby said, hunny.....don't worry, my sis and I were talking about it when we were smoking and (the lady) was out there and possably heard it. And she would find it easier to blame you so my parents would look down on you and it might make her daughter look better. I accepted all this and am leaving it alone, due to the fact that only GOD can judge me, and I know I wouldn't have discussed this certain situation with this certain person anyways. The reason I am babbeling is because I used to be the one to tell everyone anything all the time. I am now the opposite, other than sometimes true statements come out when they shouldn't but its only because I hate liers. I am no longer the gossiping queen I used to be, and I am completley honest with people even when it makes me look bad, just because in the end I have learned the truth will set you free. Whatever the case was, I am ok now and am praying that all goes well in my mother in laws situation as to hope my hubby or I would not ruffle feathers in such a fragile thing anyways. We honestly love his daughter and would do anything to have her a part of our disfunctional blended family, even if that means just visits when we can get them in, so I would never jepordize anything to do with her. See how easy it is for people to blame the people they know least about just because its EASY!!!!!! Honesty is a hard thing to practice for some people but I know if there is one thing I am its honest....sometimes to honest but it all works out in the end. I love all my family that I am blessed with and even some of the non family members I am not so blessed to have invovled in my life. Love is hard for me not to do. Isn't it suppose to be unconditional???

WOW!!!

This past week has been crazy hectic, but my family has been wonderful. Its amazing to me to see all of us functioning so well. Missin my baby boy as he is with his "birth vessal" in a homeless shelter. He really didn't get to enjoy this weeks venture but hopefully he is at least enjoying his time to the best of his ability. My husband has been extrodianary, sometimes I don't give him all the credit he deserves, which is why I am going to make some goals. #1 goal: appreciate my husband. #2 goal: MYSELF (includes keeping my running up and digging into the bible, learning more about god and his wonderful ways of working in our lives). #3 goal: stay focused on my family, including others, but keeping my family grounded and in front of everyone else. I know these are major goals but they are something I am working on. We worked our butts off last week which is why no blogging for me. This was so that we were able to attend my sister in laws babyshower in NY for a 4 day stay. We started driving at 5 am thursday and arrived in NY at 10pm. I drove the entire time, but enjoyed it, as it gave me something to take my mind off of all the things I was thinking/worried about plus gave my hubby a little more time to relax and wind down from working all week. When we got to NY families house we were greeted and taken care of like we belonged. This is something that I cherish as I have none of this in MI. I slept for a little bit and then was up bright and early to my hubby ready to start the day.....shocker, but something more natural for him latley. He was amazing ....... I know this already but to see him in another atmosphere and still being my husband was wonderful. Thank god for abilify :) Friday was hectic but happy hectic as I did what I needed to do to make my sister in laws shower just how she wanted it. It was huge and definatly cost my inlaws alot more money than a shower should cost, but it was what SHE wanted. They helped us with gas and food too, so I am sure it was a huge expense for them. I am just grateful it all got taken care of. And thanks to my husband I had to do NO cleaning, he had it all done when we got home from shopping for decorations and such, plus took care of our girls. Honestly it was nice of him to allow me to function without thinking of the extras. Dinner and then sleep was well needed friday night because Sat was the big shower and I was up decorating and getting ready early. The shower was a complete success for my sis in law, so I was happy she was happy. Lots of hard work from her family, but DONE. I thought I was going to be "scared" due to all of my husbands "friends and ex", however I just kept to the agenda which was sis in law and it took away most of my anxiety. Plus a little extra love from my mother in law which made me feel needed and wanted, something I crave. The kids did fine for what was going on, a few blow ups but nothing we couldn't control. Church on sunday was amazing, this whole trip was bittersweet. We were ready to get home and back to work but would love to still be there. Lots of tears this time when leaving which was hard, the whole family was crying in the car when we left, it was hard. We talked alot about moving, staying, loving, leaving...............just WOW!!!!! Final thought before I forget, we got in the car from church and I told my hubby I get emotional at church because I really enjoy it and he said well maybe we should try to find one to go to in MI.......another WOW!!!! God was working again, in church they spoke about gods plan and how we should follow it instead of jumping ahead of it.....Amen!!!! p.s......I finally got a piece of NY cheesecake, it was amazing. Sleeping in a hotel tonight (totally not my idea of spending money) but I am sure we all needed it. Back on the road at 5 am headed to Mi.

precious days.

These last days with mom and dad here have been bitter sweet. I know all the kids need a break and to get back to their "normal" routines. I took them all to the parade with my great friend and her family and we did the midway, gibbys, then the parade. It was an awesome experience for all of us. Everyone was so great and patient. I guess my prayer was answered because it was a beutiful day and moment. Our kids were troopers and no complaining or fighting at that. I am sad to see the inlaws and gb go, these are the days I wish we lived in their back yard. Gb did wonderful with us while mom and dad had a sanity break. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I know where Gb belongs and its starting to settle in. I know everything happens for a reason and mom and dad are Gbs' everything. I hope this is a start of a new fun life with her trusting us enough to come visit in the summers more often. She is very mature and understanding of each childs situation. Here are some pics of what troopers my bunch was and how much fun we had. My girlfriend was the first person I have ever been able to hang with and help control all the situations no matter what came up. Khamille was a great big sister, as she helped the little ones deal with some of their issues during the parade. God please bless all these little ones as they have a long journey ahead of them that they will need your blessings along the way. My K is going with mom and dad back to NY for a few days, i am really nervous as she has never been away from me without me being there to call and come get, but i have faith that she will enjoy herself. Sad to see the precious moments disapear so quickly but happy to have had them....... I honestly wish my hubby enjoyed more time with us, but i guess what little time he can function he is perfect at it. I love my family and life and coudln't and wouldn't change it for the world. Here are some pics from the CF and our day out with the kids.....enjoy.

Embrace

The rest of the week will be fine, yes I am still having trouble with the way my hubby and others, including myself treat khamille, but she is having alot of trouble knowing shes the one with NO immediate family, except mommy. I have to sometimes realize she is only 9, still really a baby, shes just alot more advanced than most, and her size doesn't help u remember she is still little, only two more years older than gb, who is here visiting us on vacation. This has been a wonderful experience that not only am i thankful for, but i will embrace forever!!!! Its the most time I have gotten to spend with my inlaws since I married my husband, and the first time ever we have gotten to spend some "family" time with gb. Not that she isn't our family and we don't get to spend time with her, but it was all five of us last evening, and it was for joel and I to be able to just "see". She is my hubbys' biological daughter and I have cried alot to him as "WHY?" we can't have her.......its kinda a mixed up situation, no fault to my inlaws, but they have her now due to my hubbys stupidity and it almost wouldn't be fair to take her from what she now knows as her mother and father. BUT....it will be amazing if someday we can ease her into spending some time with us in the summers, not only to be with her, but to give mom and dad (inlaws) some time "off" so to speak. Let her see "our" life as we live it. The time we did share with her even though short made me realize she fits right in......*smiles* to the blended family life. No differant than the rest of the kids and their issues, as each one has their own, but definatly nice because she is in the middle of my youngest and middle child and she blends well with both of them on her own occasions. She clings to me more but it was really nice to see my hubby coexist with her. A wonderful time to EMBRACE!!!!!! a blessing and a prayer answered at the same time. Thank you god for trusting me with situations that you know I can handle, and giving me the strength and courage to understand and not be selfish. Prayers for the rest of the week as it will be hectic but I would really like to get some fun stuff in. We'll see. Oh and P.S........ we need a bigger vehichle.....lol, it was pretty funny to see all 6 of us in the ford taurus with two seats and our families size.....kinda looked like one of those little clown cars when we all piled out.